Furniture Porn

Hardcore pornography on the Web comes in a seemingly infinite quantity, but, after a while, it's clear that it tends to hew to some very standard conventions.

There's the "warning" entry page. Then comes the red text on the black background. And soon thereafter come the grainy photographs organized by lame vaguely story-based themes and the inevitable stack of poorly designed banner and button ads.

Furniture, on the other hand, comes in a wide variety of shapes, colors and sizes, and is useful all around the house. Dressers are great for storing clothes. Chairs tend to be comfortable to sit in. And there's nothing like a table for those moments when you just have to dine.

So there is a world of hardcore Web porn, and another, seperate, world of furniture, and there is no clear reason why these worlds should meet. But meet they do — with hot, upholstered consequences — at Furniture Porn.

"I want you to know Mr. Brown, that I don't take off my antimacassar for just anyone."

Lines like this make the series worth clicking through.

And it's photos like this one:

that make you think the site's creators, the Van Gogh-Goghs, are just sick sick sick.

As one might expect, the Van Gogh-Goghs are another goddamn online funny ha-ha factory, in the spirit of Modern Humorist or TimmyBigHands. And while they're fairly clever and clearly have good, clean souls, the Van Gogh-Goghs are at their strongest when they're stacking furniture in clearly obscene ways and writing snarky cutlines for the photos.

So if you're home alone, and you'd like to feel dirty about yourself and most of your home furnishings, go where the grade-A sickos sit down and put their feet up: Furniture Porn.

And have a heart-to-heart with Jesus afterwards, for God's sake.

— James Norton (jrnorton@flakmag.com)