Super Bowl XXXVI Ads: Pregame and First Quarter

All About the Benjamins

One has to wonder how this ever managed to squeeze into the hallowed pantheon of ads known as "Super Bowl commercials." Briefcases full of diamonds. Black people talking like Hollywood's idea of what white people think black people talk like. Guns, heists, etc. Terrible. The big plus: It features the record scratching noise that dominates a full 50 percent of all movie trailers ever made. — James Norton

Visa.com — "Verified"

A whole lot of different people — of different ages, genders and races — saying "I am Emmitt Smith." Reason: unknown. Impact: negligible. Product: Visa.com. Result: numbness. — James Norton

The New 2002 Saturn SL1

A Saturn car, changing color quickly, accompanied by some forgettable, third-string techno. Was the Orb not available? Taking one of the world's most forgettable cars, running it through Adobe Photoshop and then playing a lame pastiche of synthpop bleeps over it does not a commercial make. The underlying message: Saturns are for 50-year-old men who are completely out of touch with the world, but desperately trying to reach "the 18-24 demographic."
— James Norton

McDonald's — "Catch"

A kid, running down a field in a rainstorm, shot in cinematic black and white. A football descends. The kid looks up, ready to catch it. Cut to the li'l nipper in McDonald's, with the voice-over: "Did he catch it? Does it matter?"

No, not really. What matters is that his front teeth were knocked out. The commercial depicts the kid... with his front teeth knocked out. No more powerful argument against football could possibly be made, by anyone. Horrifying. Oddly enough, does not stimulate the appetite. — James Norton

"Boston Public"

It's "The 'Boston Public' you can't miss." Why? Now that Sept. 11 has replaced the Columbine massacre as The Tragedy You Can't Nakedly Exploit For Your Own Commercial Gain, the Columbine massacre has become The Tragedy You Can Exploit For Your Own Commercial Gain. "Boston Public" presents a very special episode involving guns, bombs, scary masks and unpopular kids revenging themselves on the jocks. Sort of depressing, and enough to make our Super Bowl group visibly tuck into their beers.
— James Norton

John Q

"I am not gonna bury my son!" cries handsome, desperate father Denzel Washington. But he is gonna take over a hospital so his kid doesn't die. And Robert Duvall is gonna be a tough guy talking into a walkie talkie. Opening February 15th, John Q, a movie about an Everyman, went with an Every-trailer. — Karen Lurie

AOL

AOL continues its quest to become HAL. Talking heads, screen shots, WebMD… there's nothing new or innovative here. — Karen Lurie

Pizza Hut — P'Zone

You say you want a revolution? How about one that overthrows the simple brilliance of the pizza pie? Trucks are seen pulling up to an arena, as the voice-over explains, "The P'Zone Revolution. First stop, the LA Sports Arena." The place has a pretty big crowd, considering that no team actually plays in this arena anymore. But even an empty stadium wouldn't stop comedian Tommy Davidson from shilling for Pizza Hut as it continues to reinvent the wheel with pointless pizza-like food products, and advertise them loudly and frantically. "The irresistable P'Zone," Tommy explains, is "the pizza you eat like a sandwich" (because God knows a slice of pizza isn't portable enough). He passes out these calzone-like envelopes of cheese'n'stuff to the screaming fans of … nothing, getting in their faces, and acting all wacky. "Is this a P'Zone party or what?" he asks. Yes, Tommy. Yes it is. — Karen Lurie

GMC Envoy

Beauty shots of the GMC Envoy are backed by Louie Armstrong's version of "Who's Got the Last Laugh Now." Why? Because the Envoy, and not one of those damn imports, won Motor Trend's SUV of the Year. "Those who say America can't compete don't take test drives." Take that, terrorists! — Karen Lurie

Charles Schwab

Barry Bonds is hitting baseballs, by himself, in an empty park. Soon, he is advised by a phantom voice to stop playing baseball and retire before he breaks Hank Aaron's record for something baseball-related. It turns out Hank Aaron is up in the booth, whispering to Bonds in an attempt to get him to quit. Actually fairly funny, and it reveals two things: 1) Hank Aaron is still alive, which is great to know and 2) Charles Schwab has nothing to do with baseball, comedy or the triumph of the human spirit. — James Norton

Bud Light — "BattleBots"

Move over, Whassup guys. Bud Light has tired of you, and now embraces its demographic with a sendup of BattleBots. In the Robo Bash arena, a 'bot takes on a clunky-looking mini-fridge that opens to reveal a bottle of Bud Light. But the 'bot's mechanical arm can't get the prize, because the fridge has a giant hammer mechanism to protect it. If we understood the appeal of BattleBots in the first place, we're sure we would have felt compelled to pop open a Bud Light. — Karen Lurie

E-Trade

E-Trade, the game's halftime show's sponsor, proves that those crazy dotcoms still have the edge on humor. They understand that you can rarely, if ever, go wrong with a monkey in human clothes. In a cheesy old-fashioned musical number, backed by chorus girls singing about E-Trade's new website, a shoeless monkey in a green satin top hat and tails slides down a big dollar bill. Then he climbs onto a big phallus, um, black arrow, and sails off, stage right. Fade to black. The next morning, E-Trade's real CEO is reading a newspaper with the headline "Monkey Flops. Silliest Ad in Game History." The monkey gets fired, and shipped off to NASA. It's ironic. It's self-referential. It's a dotcom. — Karen Lurie

Pepsi

Clearly afraid to waffle its access to the world's hottest living superstar, Pepsi makes a pocket-protecting decision to go conservative. The commercial's "clever" hook: Have Football's Britney Spears time-travel from the black-and-white, soda jerkin' '50s, to the early "Annette Funicello" '60s, to the "Looks like the late '60s" '70s to the "Robert Palmer video" '80s. But by rendering each decade as an uncompelling, completely bland string of dancing people, all possible impact was dulled to the point of imperciptibility. The upshot? Britney merely proves she's a dress-up doll.

Forget Bob Dole. This ad couldn't even give a 13-year-old a woody. — James Norton

The Scorpion King

A surprisingly large quantity of trailers in the first half. The Scorpion King has the potential for for old-school Conan goodness, but more likely, it will disappoint. This ad is composed of many uninformative mini cuts — a snake on a girl's arm, some fire, some people hitting other people and the words "The Rock." Perhaps all we need to know. This trailer doesn't offer up my favorite line from the trailer that I saw in the theater: "I have come for the woman — and your head!" — Dan Norton

Monster.com — "Rudy Giuliani"

Rudy offers some words of thanks to the people of America. Unsurprisingly, this entire Super Bowl is offered up as a tribute to the American way of life. Pretty straightforward; Rudy gives good enough delivery. This was brought to us by Monster.com, which performs some type of service. Jobs or something. But anyway, I suppose it's a nice gesture. — Dan Norton

truth — "Squadron"

Truth ads on the whole have been very effective, particularly their original body-bag-stacking tactics. In this ad, planes carrying banners describing the poisons in smooth tasting delicious cigarettes fly over a beach, bringing a major downer to various sunshine-frolickers. This is definitely not as visually shocking as the original ads, but now are rocking the whole meme-spreading concept that is hip with the kids. — Dan Norton

mlife — "Farm"

A farmer describes how he needs to get an mlife, and how he hopes to hit the New York clubs at some point, and "let the pigs feed themselves." This makes one of his pigs upset, and he apologizes. This is the first in a series of ads that mention mlife without actually stating what it is. The mystery was enough for us to inquire about, but it turned out to be just some AT&T service. Wholly uninteresting. — Dan Norton

Budweiser — "Cedric"

Ah, a little of the Cyrano gone awry. One gentleman is tongue tied, and has his friend seated immediately next to him feed him some simple yet effective lines. However, when his friend momentarily forgets his advisory duties and orders a delicious Budweiser beer, his romantic, hopeful friends misunderstands his purchase and propositions the woman as if she were a prostitute! Such capers! To be fair, it wasn't really as funny as I made it out to be. It wasn't bad, though. — Dan Norton

Quizno's — "Dart"

This made me laugh out loud. I apparently am in the appropriate demographic. A somewhat scummy-looking researcher offers a woman her choice between a sub and a sub that is toasted. As she reaches for the toasted sub (apparently the Quizno's offering), the researcher blows a poisoned dart into her neck, and as she falls unconscious, he tips her body onto the untoasted sandwich. He then speaks into his voice recorder: "The subject dove for the untoasted sub." Very entertaining; unfortunately, I still hate their sandwiches. This reminds me of the Miller ads that were brought to us by "Dick." Loved the ads, hated the beer. The real kicker is that this ad campaign is disguised as total failure of an ad company. It couldn't be further from the truth — it was a failure of the product. Sorry, Dick. Sorry, poison-dart-shooting researcher. — Dan Norton

FedEx

Yes, we are all aware that "Dilbert" is funny. Some execs are around a table, and are discussing ways to lower the budget. One sort of Buscemi-esque employee suggests using a FedEx account, and immediately afterwards, a more polished exec offers the same suggestion with a different hand gesture. They then explain the joke to you. This ad was totally useless. What FedEx needs to focus on more is the fact that they have a cool hidden arrow in their logo. Check it out. — Dan Norton

Collateral Damage

I mentioned Conan previously. I like Arnold. I think the movie is going to suck. Typical trailer fare, featuring explosions, tense close-ups and some exposition about a deadly terrorist. People can't seem to get enough of those terrorists. The fact that it is called Collateral Damage, a term coined by the US military to describe civilian death, and later regurgitated by Timothy McVeigh, makes me ill. This should not be a catchphrase. I don't think anyone is particularly inclined to watch any movie involving explosions at this point, particularly explosions by terrorists on American soil. — Dan Norton

Bud Light — "Falcon"

Funny stuff. A gentlemen has a falcon who is trained to leave and return with a Bud beer. He has no knowledge of where the bird procures the beer, but we get to see an amusing melee of the falcon looting an outdoor restaraunt. Perhaps the falcon bringing a bra at the end was a bit forced, but the beer-catching falcon is a great idea. I know I myself have dreamt of a beverage obtaining pet. Everyone likes a trained bird. — Dan Norton

mlife — "Accountants"

Two accountants hit on a young woman. They fake knowing about mlife to impress her. Worthless. Refer to the first mlife for more information. — Dan Norton

Yahoo! — "Dolphin"

A fat guy in a bathing suit is talking to a dolphin. It turns out: They both use Yahoo! For different needs! It's too late, Yahoo. We all know about Google. Sure, your e-mail is a nice alternative to frickin' Hotmail, but still. Additionally, the fat-guy-bathing-suit thing just isn't as funny as maybe you hoped. — Dan Norton