Every time someone unintentionally insults Evan's intelligence, including
Evan himself, take a drink.
Every time Evan reminds us that he's not really rich, take a drink.
Every time a chance occurrence is played for heavy-handed Deep Metaphorical
Meaning, take a drink.
As episode five begins, Evan announces he's whisking each of the three
remaining girls away on individual overnight trips to the French Riviera, in
"his" private jet. "Not that I've ever been to the French Riviera or any of
those places..." (Drink.)
Paul the butler greets the three girls at breakfast to announce that Melissa
should pack her bags for the airport. Squealing occurs, then Melissa and
Evan arrive in Cannes and head out to the beach to view the Riviera sunset.
"The sun setted," Melissa gushes in voice-over as they enjoy the view from
the sand.
"I can talk to Melissa about anything." Evan narrates. Just then, we catch
part of their romantic beach-sunset conversation:
"And this guy, he had this ingrown toenail, and he got this fungus and a
staph infection and he died," Evan says. Really.
Next, Evan calls on his knowledge of modern medicine to educate young
Melissa. "You can put superglue on cuts, you know," he says. "It seals 'em
right up."
"Good to know," Melissa nods.
Back at the hotel, it's time for a romantic dinner. "She's got some cleavage
on her," Evan says of Melissa, using very simple English so we understand.
At dinner, Melissa decides to tell Evan what she thinks of him. "You're such
an average person," she tells him, earnestly looking into his eyes. "You
don't seem like you have a lot on your mind." (Drink.)
But alas, Melissa's flattery is lost on Evan. "I tried to concentrate on
what she was saying," Evan says. "But ... her cleavage."
"So what are your turn-ons and turn-offs?" asks Melissa, hinting at
serendipitous Playmate-of-the-month aspirations.
"I like legs," Evan says, decidedly. "And high heels — that's just...
that's me." This raises the question: What about feet?
Back at the hotel, Melissa plants herself and her cleavage on the couch next
to an uninterested-looking Evan. The two make what has to be the most
transparently self-conscious small talk since the first episode of "The Real
World," as Melissa leans over Evan, her pendulous cleavage suspended
precariously over his crotch. Evan looks uncomfortable. Maybe he is gay!
As Melissa's seductress strategy swirls further and further down the toilet,
she makes one last-ditch move that's so crazy it just might work! "You like
legs?" she asks quickly, and pulls her dress up, flashing her thighs.
Or maybe so crazy it's just ... really sad. "Just kidding!" she yells after a
beat. But, it's too late. Even Evan — simple, dumb, not-extraneously-adequate
Evan — seems to sense her desperation like a retarded bee smelling fear. He
politely kisses Melissa on the cheek, and, with that, the date is over.
Next is Zora's date, but beforehand she lays down the law. "No kissing." She
says. "It's kind of my little rule."
Melissa and Sarah seem to have heard a rumor that Zora is annoyed to have
been told to bring a bathing suit with her on her date, because apparently
she also has a little rule about not being shown 85% naked on national
television. Amateur psychologist Melissa offers pearls of bikini wisdom:
"The more less confident you are, the worse it looks on you," she says
knowingly.
As Zora's plane lands in Corsica, she's captivated by a beautiful rainbow
outside the plane window. As she climbs down the steps, she's so enchanted
by the rainbow that she barely notices the pot of gold, i.e., Evan. (Drink.)
As they drive through the countryside, Evan and Zora pass a construction
site where a bulldozer busily moves dirt around. Evan cranes his neck to
watch, presumably curious to see how his area of expertise is practiced in
other cultures. Zora notices and comments "Checking out the bulldozer?" she
asks, and Evan smiles. "Zora is the only person who would have noticed
that." (Drink.)
Next, we see Evan and Zora at dinner. Zora is wearing an
uncharacteristically revealing outfit, as Evan, who apparently has made a
Freudian slip, narrates the dinner scene: "...the first thing I ask her is,
'Did you get that breast in Paris?'" Evan is shown looking sheepish. Zora
laughs but doesn't make a big deal out of it.
After dinner, Evan tries to sweet-talk swimsuit-shy Zora into meeting him at
the pool. "She's uncomfy in a bathing suit," he says. "I'm dumbfounded by
that." (Drink.)
He finally coerces her into at least showing up with a bathrobe over her
suit, and then immediately pulls her into the water. Zora doesn't seem to
mind, and soon her little rule is tossed aside with the bathrobe and they're
kissing.
Polite goodnights are said, however, and the next morning the two breakfast
together overlooking the ocean, where Zora tells Evan about the dream she
had last night. "I was asking you, 'Is your name really Evan Wallace? Is your
name really Evan Wallace?'" she says, laughing, as Evan turns white and looks
away.
"Maybe she's some kind of psychic or something!" Evan says later as they
ride to the airport. "It was an uncomfortable car ride."
Back at the chateau, Melissa and Sarah have nothing better to do than dish
about Zora. "If I met Zora at a coffee shop, would I give her my number?"
Melissa asks, offering a thought-experiment to illustrate her point.
"Probably not."
Sarah gets right to the point: "I wanna see if she wore her bathing suit."
Zora returns and the girls grill her. "So — did you sleep?" Sarah asks.
Zora demurs, but Melissa airs her suspicions in voice-over "Maybe there's
more to Zora than we know ... Maybe she's evil and greedy like us, only
smarter!"
It's finally time for Sarah's date. Sarah, the blonde sophisticate who was
suspected of giving Evan a you-know-what in last week's episode, is also the
contestant who admitted this week to starring in several foot-fetish and
bondage flicks, in which she was fully dressed. Yawn.
"We always have a great time together," Evan says of Sarah, inciting giggles
in the audience, who is then treated to a montage of Sarah getting ready for
dinner in her hotel room. She takes a sip of champagne: "Mmmmmmmm." She
eats a bite of chocolate: "Oooooh." She's constantly moaning!
As she primps, Sarah talks about Evan. "He doesn't seem extraneously
intellectual," she says, getting it right on a technicality. (Drink.)
Sarah moans her way through dinner and then it's out to look at the
beautiful full moon, where Evan takes the time to prepare Sarah for
inevitable disappointment in his special bumbling, cliché-heavy way: "I'm a
guy. I'm not a white knight," he says, seemingly apropos of nothing. Evan
seriously needs to stop foreshadowing.
Evan walks Sarah back to her room and politely kisses her goodnight.
Whatever. It's not over.
5-4-3-2- "Knock-knock-knock!" and Evan opens his door, shirtless. "Don't
take your pants off just yet," Sarah says, and pushes him aside. It seems
Sarah couldn't sleep, needing one more view of the moon from Evan's balcony.
"I had his undivided attention," she says in voice-over. "That was my
plan."
"She could possibly be the One," Evan says, jeopardizing Zora's odds of
winning with one fell swoop.
They go back inside and canoodle on the couch until the screen goes black.
"A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell," Evan says.
Later, totally alone in his desolate bed — with night-vision cameras trained
on him from every angle — Evan suffers from an attack of guilt. We know this
because, as the camera zooms to the waves crashing on the shore, lightning
strikes, thunder rolls. Evan tosses and Evan turns. Evan stares into the
middle distance as his pupils glow like those of nearly brainless alligators
in a swamp. As Evan squirms and writhes, sound-bites from this, the fifth episode, play
in his mind: "His name is Evan Wallace. His name is Evan Wallace. Fifty million dollars.
Fifty million dollars. Trust me. Trust me."
Finally, he can't take any more! Evan decides to talk to one of the
producers. "It's just not right," he says. "I have to face whoever girl I
pick." He then uses the word "ironic" incorrectly, which is unsurprising —
if he had used it correctly, would that be ironic?
His dark night of the soul over, Evan heads back to the castle to choose two
of the three to continue to compete in fierce battle over his dirt-stained,
callused hand in marriage.
The ceremony begins. The prize at stake this time is a diamond pendant, but
the girls don't gasp when the jewel is announced the way they did in
previous episodes. Maybe all the jet-setting is beginning to spoil them, or
maybe pointless enthusiasm just doesn't seem the same without Mojo.
Predictably, Sarah, the shoe-in, so to speak, is chosen first. The drumroll
is reserved for sort-of toss-ups Melissa and Zora. Despite their otherwise
wonderful date, could Zora's psychic abilities cost her the gold at the end
of the rainbow? Or will Evan reach deep inside and find a tiny bit of
intuition of his own and weed out Melissa Moron?
Thankfully, it's the latter, and Zora and her 20 million new friends breathe
a sigh of relief. "When I'm with Zora," Evan says in voice-over as he puts
the necklace around her neck. "I feel like a kid again." Awww. (Drink.)
Melissa is crestfallen but puts on a fake brave face. "At least gimme a
hug!" she shouts and falls into Evan's arms. Then, in a tradition stolen
from the Miss America Pageant, she takes time to admire wistfully the
necklaces of the other girls. She holds Zora's necklace delicately in her
hand and then pretends to rip it off. "Just kidding!"
Enjoying the fact that they still matter, Sarah and Zora are shown in
interviews, talking about each other. "Zora and I are a bit more similar than
I originally thought," says Sarah.
Cut to Zora: "How could there be two girls who are so uniquely different?"
she asks in contrast, sweetly including the "uniquely" to show it's not a
normal insult, but a Southern one.
Melissa cries as she gets ready to leave. "Of course he's missing out on me.
Of course he is," she weeps.
Of course he is, Melissa, but the sun has not "setted" on this competition
yet. We have a new fight on our hands: between lust and friendship, evil and
good, the Madonna and the whore. It's horses and rainbows versus high heels
and BJs — and it's not over yet!
My odds: Zora has yet to be edited in an unflattering light and is the more
intellectually interesting contestant, but she may be too sympathetic a
heroine to face the inevitable humiliation of the final episode. Odds: 3-2
Sarah has physical chemistry on her side and would make a much more
satisfying object of ridicule in the last episode, but Zora is the golden
girl and the show seems to kick off the biggest bitch each time. Odds: 4-1
— Lindsay Robertson (lindsay@lindsayism.com)
