A Royals Fan's Dying Lament
by Stephen Himes

In July, Flak brought you a dispassionate review as to why the Kansas City Royals suck. Now, Flak film critic and Kansas law student Stephen Himes gives you a passionate review of why they suck. This piece was culled from e-mails a desperate Himes sent to anyone who would listen, testifying to the pain of cheering for the most hopeless team in Major League Baseball. The e-mails, seperated by lines for your reading pleasure, were sent during an 11-5 loss to bottom-feeding Seattle, the Royals' 18th straight defeat. Four more, and they beat the American League record of 21 set by Baltimore in 1988. Six more, and they beat the Major League record of 23 by Philadelphia in 1961.

If you aren't Kansas Citians, then maybe this is off your radar. But I simply can't take this anymore. The Royals are going to set an all-time record for most losses. I know they're a few games away, but if they don't get this game today against the Mariners, well, the A's beat them by more than 10 runs twice in a series last week.

I love to go to the ballpark, and my girlfriend is a big Royals fan as well, so we've been to several games this year. There's talent on this ballclub. I was there when we swept the Yankees, when we took a series from the league-best White Sox. About 20 days ago, the Royals were 27-28 under Buddy Bell, had won as many series as they lost and had just taken a series from the Sox. With just one name player on the entire roster. Now, a 17-game losing streak.

I love the Royals. When I was little, it was nothing but Royals baseball all summer. Went to the games, worshipped George Brett — I even have the print plates from the KC Star from when he retired. They were awesome, and their ballpark is absolutely the most beautiful stadium over 20 years old in the league, I contend. And it's often ranked among the best ballparks in the country.

This past weekend was the 1985 World Series Championship reunion weekend. George Brett, Frank White — hell, even Buddy Biancalana was going to be there. Bret Saberhagen was inducted into the Royals Hall of Fame. So my girlfriend and I went to the game. And just as they were bringing the '85 champs out, a monsoon sweeps through the stadium. It rained on Dan Quisenberry's widow, who threw the first pitch to Dick Howser's widow.

It was all I could take. We left. I can't take the losing. Even the reunion weekend was ruined. I'm convinced that there's nothing left to cheer for. I just wish they would move. The Royals are a terminal illness to Kansas City — yeah, they're alive, but barely, and there's absolutely no hope for recovery. I almost wish they would just leave because it's too painful to sit here and watch them suffer.

I just saw D.J. Carrasco give up a grand slam to Adrian Beltre in the bottom of the first. The Mariners are 16 games below .500. It's 4-0 with eight innings to go, and the game is already over.

It's been so long since the Royals have given me a win that if I don't get one soon, I might have to just go out and find a team that will. Yeah, that's cheating, but the Royals had it coming.

The worst, the absolute worst, was watching the 11-run ninth inning in which the final out was dropped on the warning track, Angel Berrora muffed a pop up. ...Oh, I just can't even go on. ...

Royals update: Top of the 5th, Royals down 7-0. Did I mention that the Mariners are 16 games under .500, and that Jamie Moyer has struck out six batters in five innings?

If I'm ever in Westport, on the Plaza or wherever the Royals go to hang out, and I see Angel Berroa, I'm going to start a fight with him. I'm so, so, so sick of this crap. If I see him strike out on another pitch in the dirt or muff another grounder at the next game I go to, I'm coming out of the stands, charging across the infield and tackling his ass right there on the dirt. I don't care about the jail time or the fact that I probably won't be able to take the bar in Missouri. Whatever. I'm at the breaking point with this guy.

My favorite line was from local KC radio guy Kevin Keitzman, who said after the 11-run ninth, "The Royals made my 10-year-old daughter cry last night at the ballpark." It's true — I know people who went to that game, and they all said absolutely nobody left. It was like a stadium full of rubberneckers craning to see a bloody accident. You couldn't take your eyes off it.

Royals Loss Number 18 Update: 10-1 going into the top of the seventh.

This is absolutely demoralizing. This is going to drive me to drinking. Check out the ninth inning: Walk, fielder's choice, walk, passed ball, infield hit where the pitcher didn't cover first — MacDougal simply didn't cover first. Next hitter, chopper to the mound, and MacDougal threw the ball over the catcher's head. It wasn't going to be a close play, and Mac fielded it cleanly. And he just threw it to the screen.

I want to cry when I see this crap. I just want to sit here and cry. I don't understand it.

Double play, inning over. Thank God.

I can't take this anymore.

E-mail Stephen Himes at stephenhimes@hotmail.com.