Kick Out the Sports!
by Bob Cook
Bob Cook's weekly ruminations on sports appear Mondays in Flak.
If you spend even a second around youth sports in a capacity other than as a youth, you'll realize immediately, even before the first parent punches a referee, that the coaches stink.
Judging by the gaggle of psychos, goody-goodies, creeps and outright dunderheads who coach most of America's youth teams, it's amazing that anything other than dumb luck is responsible for the formative inspiration and creation of this country's greatest athletes.
It's not all the coach's fault, really. At the lowest levels, the coach often is appointed based on one strict criterion — he or she was the only one to volunteer, also known as caving in to cajoling. (That's how I ended up coaching my oldest son's 6- and 7-year-old rec basketball team last winter.) At best, you get a few hours' training in how to coach, so you pretty much are left to coach by either projecting onto your young charges whatever childhood trauma you experienced, or inflicting them with all the things you told the local sports-talk radio station you'd do if you coached the local pro teams.
The National Alliance of Youth Sports reports that 70 percent of the 20 million children who register for organized, competitive sports drop out by the age of 13. This is not because they didn't make the travel team, or because sports was interfering with their "Halo 2" progress, but because sports weren't fun. The pressure was too great, and the coaching was too lousy.
It's hard enough to identify a few decent coaches among, say, the 32 NFL
teams, so it's not like the percentage of actual good, volunteer youth coaches
is going to be any better than in leagues that have millionaire maniacs who
work 20 hours a day and sleep on their office couches. So if you have
children, or ever will, you'd better be ready to identify which of the
following six archetypes of bad youth sports coaches will be giving your child
the sort of dysfunctional athletic experience that will steer him or her toward
a lifetime of sports hate-induced obesity.
The categories are:
The Genial Incompetent
Characteristics: Friendly and outgoing. Brings treats. Makes sure everyone
is having fun and plays an equal amount of time. Doesn't have a fucking
clue about the sport.
Reason kids quit: Even the most gentle children — those raised on
ultrasensitive PBS cartoons where everyone wins, sportsmanship is
paramount, and everyone wears a helmet and pads while riding a bike —
don't like getting their asses beat game after game.
The Sgt. Hartman
Characteristics: Drill sergeant lite. Or heavy. Never likes what he
sees. Will run 5-year-old soccer players for three hours after a game if
the little shits don't look like they care enough. Thinks making
children cry is the most effective form of motivation. Often bearded.
Reason kids quit: Tinnitus.
The Budding Belichick
Characteristics: No matter what the sport or the players' ages, has a 3-inch-thick playbook for the kids to memorize. Keeps a clipboard tucked in the back of his pants. Takes it out to cover his lips while talking, in case another team has hired a lip-reader. Has full-time videographer for Thursday "film sessions."
Tells kids that if they can do long division, they sure as hell can figure out the three options for modifying a pass route on the fly depending on if the defense plays Cover 2, a Mike Blitz or straight man coverage.
Reason kids quit: To engage in a hobby less complicated. Like calculus.
The Starfucker
Characteristics: Identifies the top player early, and ignores everyone else. All plays boil down to "Get the Ball to the Star and Get the Hell Out of the Way." Hopes to glom onto the young star to become future agent, shoe company liaison, acceptor of college recruiters' hundred-dollar handshakes.
Reason kids quit: Coach won't let them be part of the posse.
The Stage Parent
Characteristics: Parent coaching own child on team, which can go one of two ways. One, adopting a Starfucker-like focus on own prodigy, turning other children and parents into the Hatfields to the coach and childŐs McCoys. Two, and more aggravating and/or entertaining, adopting a Starfucker-like focus on own spazz. When the coach puts own child into position of being the hero, and the child flops (again), other parents can take solace in fantasizing about the extremely
uncomfortable dinner conversation and family counseling sessions sure to follow.
Reason kids quit: They have enough drama in their own families, thank you very much.
The Vaguely Creepy Guy
Characteristics: He's the reason so many leagues insist on having at least one team member's parent as coach. Loves to travel, shoot the breeze, share bathroom stalls with young charges. Always will to give players "private lessons." Lots of butt-slapping. Lots of team pool parties. Lots of butt-slapping at team pool parties.
Reason kids quit: To make the bad man stop.
E-mail Bob Cook at bobc@flakmag.com.
