Kick Out the Sports!
by Bob Cook

Bob Cook's weekly ruminations on sports appear Mondays in Flak.

Sports is great for irrational and pointless debates, and no argument gets more irrational and pointless than whether New England's Tom Brady or Indianapolis' Peyton Manning is the better quarterback.

The heated finger-pointing, semantic hair-splitting and virtual chest-thumping…if you've ever wanted an idea of what it's like to work in a college literature department, just get yourself involved in the Brady-Manning debate.

The crux of the debate comes down to Brady's two Super Bowl titles against Manning's gaudy passing statistics, and Brady's skills as a game manager against Manning's skills as a game breaker. Of course, putting the debate in such mundane terms doesn't do justice to its intensity, and the need of each quarterback's fans to denigrate the other side.

So the crux of the debate is actually whether Brady is a sub-mediocre Trent Dilfer who gets bailed out by his kicker, the refs and his defense, and who can't think on his own enough to know whether to go to the bathroom unless his coach tells him. Or whether Manning is a spoiled, chicken-dancing choke artist who couldn't lead a horse to water, much less make him drink, and who has a very large, ugly forehead.

Message boards are thick with Brady and Manning fans trading insults. One site, Football Outsiders, consigned its users' Brady-Manning debates to one long, long thread to stop them from overrunning every other board.

Clearly, someone needs to give an honest, objective, definitive answer to the debate, before someone steps in, Jon Stewart-style, to this Crossfire from Hell and declares it's hurting America. I nominate myself to be that someone.

My judgment: Manning is the better quarterback.

I assure you, there is no bias or irrationality involved in reaching that conclusion. I admit it must seem daft to declare Manning the better quarterback, what with the Patriots beating the Colts again in the playoffs this Sunday, Brady looking comfortable in a snowy game, and Manning not. But I assure you, I have not abandoned logic.

My judgment is not clouded by the fact that my children have never been without a Peyton Manning jersey. It has nothing to do with my writing last year that Brady's quarterbacking has all the excitement and verve of managing a Wal-Mart, or my effusive praise in Football Outsiders for the maestro-like abilities of Manning leading an offense. The fact that I have not one, but two rooms, built as shrines to Manning played no part in my decision.

Yes, I took into account that Manning has never won a meaningful game against the Patriots. But I also took into account that the Patriots are dirty cheaters— like when they illegally hold Manning's receivers or unfairly leave their field uncovered in bad weather to create a slow and sloppy track so their injury-riddled defensive backfield could keep up with the Colts' passing attack.

Also, given that all their big AFC playoff games are in snowy, blustery conditions, I also believe the Patriots are in it with the Illuminati to control the weather.

I also left out how, what with Brady having appeared at a Bush State-of-the-Union speech and Manning refusing to stop watching game film in his basement, Karl Rove is rigging the personnel system to allow the Patriots to build the best and deepest team in the NFL.

I left out any biased feelings having to do with Brady and Manning being locked in an epic battle of evil and good, which I personally witnessed when Brady killed my dog, and Manning brought him back to life.

No, I used pure, unadulterated, statistical logic to reach my unimpeachable decision that Manning is the better quarterback. As a semi-professional sports commentator, I will broach no argument on this point.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to pick up my custom-made tinfoil Manning jersey and matching Colts helmet.

E-mail Bob Cook at bobc@flakmag.com.