Kick Out the Sports!
by Bob Cook
with assistance from Abbott and Costello

Bob Cook's weekly ruminations on sports appear Mondays in Flak.

Given all the discussion about who is and who isn't gay in sports, an updated version of the classic comedy routine "Who's on First?" is in order.

Abbott: All right, now whaddya want?

Costello: Now look, I'm the head of the New York Post gossip department. I gotta know about baseball players' sexual orientation. Do you know the gay guys and the straight guys?

Abbott: Oh sure.

Costello: So you go ahead and tell me some of their names.

Abbott: Well, I'll introduce you to the boys. You know sometimes nowadays people say guys are gay, but they're not.

Costello: You mean straight guys.

Abbott: You know, like Mike Piazza.

Costello: And Sandy Koufax.

Abbott: And Youppi! the Expos mascot.

Costello: But not Glenn Burke!

Abbott: Who's that?

Costello: He popularized the high-five!

Abbott: Goofy, huh? Now let's see. We have in the lineup — we have Who's gay, What's straight, and I Don't Know the bisexual.

Costello: That's what I wanna find out.

Abbott: I say Who's gay, What's straight, I Don't Know the bisexual —

Costello: You know the fellows' names?

Abbott: Certainly!

Costello: Well then who's gay?

Abbott: Yes!

Costello: I mean the fellow's name!

Abbott: Who!

Costello: The guy that's gay!

Abbott: Who!

Costello: The gay guy!

Abbott: Who!

Costello: The guy who likes men!

Abbott: Who's gay!

Costello: Now whaddya askin' me for?

Abbott: I'm telling you Who is gay.

Costello: Well, I'm asking you who's gay!

Abbott: That's the man's name.

Costello: That's who's name?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy who's gay.

Abbott: Who!

Costello: The gay guy.

Abbott: Who is gay!

Costello: Have you got a contract with the gay guy?

Abbott: Absolutely.

Costello: Who signs the contract?

Abbott: Well, naturally!

Costello: When you pay off the gay guy every month, who gets the money?

Abbott: Every dollar. Why not? The man's entitled to it.

Costello: Who is?

Abbott: Yes. Sometimes his lover comes down and collects it.

Costello: Who's lover?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: All I'm tryin' to find out is what's the name of the guy who likes men.

Abbott: Oh, no — wait a minute, don't switch 'em around. What is straight.

Costello: I'm not askin' you who's straight.

Abbott: Who is gay.

Costello: I don't know.

Abbott: He's bisexual — now we're not talkin' 'bout him.

Costello: Now, how did I get to bisexual?

Abbott: You mentioned his name!

Costello: If I mentioned the bisexual's name, who did I say is bisexual?

Abbott: No — Who's gay.

Costello: Never mind gay — I wanna know what's the bisexual's name.

Abbott: No — What's straight.

Costello: I'm not askin' you who's straight.

Abbott: Who's gay.

Costello: I don't know.

Abbott: He's bisexual.

Costello: Aaah! Would you please stay bisexual and don't go off it?

Abbott: What was it you wanted?

Costello: Now who's bisexual?

Abbott: Now why do you insist on making Who bisexual?

Costello: Why? Who am I making bisexual?

Abbott: Yes. But we don't want him bisexual.

Costello: What's the guy's name that's bisexual?

Abbott: What is straight.

Costello: I'm not askin' you who's straight.

Abbott: Who's gay.

Costello: I don't know.

Abbott & Costello: BISEXUAL!

Costello: You got other sexual proclivities?

Abbott: Oh yes!

Costello: The name of the guy who likes animals?

Abbott: Why.

Costello: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask you.

Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

Costello: All right, then tell me who likes animals.

Abbott: Who is gay —

Costello: STAY OUTTA GAY! I wanna know what is into animals.

Abbott: What's straight.

Costello: I'm not askin' you who's straight.

Abbott: Who's gay.

Costello: I don't know.

Abbott & Costello: BISEXUAL!

Costello: The guy who likes animals?

Abbott: Why.

Costello: Because!

Abbott: Oh, he's asexual.

Costello: Look, you gotta masturbator on this team?

Abbott: Now wouldn't this be a fine team without a masturbator.

Costello: The masturbator's name.

Abbott: Tomorrow.

Costello: You don't wanna tell me today?

Abbott: I'm tellin' you now.

Costello: Then go ahead.

Abbott: Tomorrow.

Costello: What time?

Abbott: What time what?

Costello: What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who's the masturbator?

Abbott: Now listen. Who is not the masturbator. Who is gay —

Costello: I'll break your arm if you say Who's gay. I wanna know what's the masturbator's name.

Abbott: What's straight.

Costello: I don't know.

Abbott & Costello: BISEXUAL!

Costello: You got a foot fetishist?

Abbott: Oh, absolutely.

Costello: The foot fetishist's name.

Abbott: Today.

Costello: Today. And Tomorrow's a masturbator.

Abbott: Now you've got it.

Costello: All we've got is a couple of days on the team.

Abbott: Well, I can't help that.

Costello: Well, I'm a foot fetishist too.

Abbott: I know that.

Costello: Now suppose that I'm a foot fetishist, Tomorrow is a masturbator on my team and their heavy hitter gets up.

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Tomorrow throws the ball. The batter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, I wanna throw to the gay guy. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

Abbott: Now that's the first thing you've said right.

Costello: I don't even know what I'm talkin' about!

Abbott: Well, that's all you have to do.

Costello: Is to throw the ball to the gay guy.

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Now who's got it?

Abbott: Naturally!

Costello: If I throw the ball to the gay guy, somebody's gotta catch it. Now who caught it?

Abbott: Naturally!

Costello: Who caught it?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: Who?

Abbott: Naturally!

Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

Abbott: NO, NO, NO! You throw the ball to the gay guy and Who gets it?

Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: That's right. There we go.

Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

Abbott: You don't!

Costello: I throw it to who?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!

Abbott: You're not saying it that way.

Costello: I said I throw the ball to Naturally.

Abbott: You don't — you throw the ball to Who?

Costello: Naturally!

Abbott: Well, say that!

Costello: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING! I throw the ball to who?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: Ask me.

Abbott: You throw the ball to Who?

Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: That's it.

Costello: SAME AS YOU!! I throw the ball to the gay guy and who gets it?

Abbott: Naturally!

Costello: Who has it?

Abbott: Naturally!

Costello: HE BETTER HAVE IT! I throw the ball to the gay guy. Whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What, What throws it to I Don't Know, I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow — triple play.

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Another guy gets up — it's a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know. He's bisexual and I don't give a darn!

Abbott: What was that?

Costello: I said I don't give a darn!

Abbott: Oh, he's into bondage.

E-mail Bob Cook at bobc@flakmag.com.