Bears vs. Colts, Behrens vs. Cook

Every day from now until Super Bowl XLI, Flak Magazine will publish an e-mail exchange between Andy Behrens (sports writer and dedicated Bears fan) and Bob Cook (sports writer and diehard Colts fan). Let the (pre)game begin.

Tuesday, Jan. 30

FROM: Andy Behrens
TO: Bob Cook

Dude, I know you didn't just make a Tank Johnson joke. We should really edit that before we post. It's never wise to make derisive cracks about a guy who has lots of money, unregistered weapons and expendable friends. Tank is the hands-down favorite to win the 2007 Barret Robbins award (or is it the Stanley Wilson award?) for pre-Super Bowl mischief. I'd hate to see him claim the trophy this early because you pissed him off.

So you're thinking Rex Grossman is actually an embedded Colt, eh? Hmm. I'm not willing to dismiss the idea entirely. Luckily we have weapons of even greater caliber than the Cannon. Like a running-back-by-committee situation where both members of the committee don't suck. And a defense that just held the NFL's top-ranked offense to 14 points. And the most dangerous kick returner in football facing the league's most user-friendly coverage unit.

So no, I shall not bow to Peyton's awesomeness. We're 1-0 against Mannings this year. We're also 2-0 against teams of destiny, so don't think empty platitudes will help. All that's left to decide here is what Mitch Daniels can possibly offer Rod Blagojevich in the traditional bet between state governors. Powerball tickets? Cheap cigarettes? M-80s?

"Bear down, Chicago Bears! Put up a fight with a might so fearlessly..."

You forgot cheap gas, enormously flattened pork tenderloin sandwiches, popcorn, and the world's biggest supply of ditch weed. (By the way, I should add that Daniels and Blago would be the shortest pair of governors to ever make a Super Bowl bet, with a combined height of 6-foot-7, 6-foot-3 without Blago's enormous pompadour.)

Let's go over these other alleged Bears weapons. I think you and the Lake County, Ill., Sheriff's Department will find them far less powerful than Johnson's cache.

Running-back-by-committee: Yawn, been there done that. Heard of Joseph Addai and Dominic Rhodes? Anyway, the only reason the Bears play Cedric Benson is so Thomas Jones get angry enough to play inspired once a while. You think the Colts are worried about those chumps after stuffing Corey Dillon and Laurence (Boney) Maroney? (Argh. My hidden Chris Berman is emerging.)

That defense: Yeah, sure, any defense would look great when its opponents have the inability to hold onto the ball. Did the Bears actually force any of those turnovers? (Correct answer: no.) (Second parenthetical: how many passes did New Orleans drop? I think Marques Colston dropped his luggage on his way to the plane.) Plus, alleged genius and union-hating scab Sean Payton totally abandoned the run. Six carries for Deuce McAllister? Why did the Saints bother to fly him to Chicago? And as a Colts fan, I can tell you ruefully that a passing game on a crappy, snow-filled field is rendered inert no matter what the defense. Especially when that field is maintained by the ne'er-do-well cousins of aldermen and neighbors of mayoral supporters that make up the Chicago Park District. My understanding is that despite the crazy Al Gore weather, the likelihood of snow in Miami is rather remote. One more thing -- nobody on the Colts is stupid enough to do a Reggie Bush and taunt the Bears on the way to the end zone. Of course, that was the same guy who decided he had to do a wild-ass lateral in the first quarter of the national championship game in USC's loss to Texas.

Devin Hester, most dangerous kick returner? For the Colts, or his own team? I know the guy returned six kicks for touchdown, and the reason Manning had to keep pulling rabbits out of his helmet was because of the Indianapolis kickoff coverage. But Hester lately has been handling the ball like a New Orleans Saint.