The Ads of Super Bowl XLII

"Girls Have Hair" | Sunsilk

Summary: Computer-animated pretty celebrity women dance around. Madonna is among them. They have hair. Hey, it's an ad for some kind of shampoo or something. This is seriously the best you've got? For the SUPER BOWL? What the hell? What the hell? Who is going to care about this stupid goddamned ad? All the Gods in Asgard are weeping. You've made Odin weep, and he only has one eye. To hell with you, Sunsilk. Nidhogg will chew upon your liver.

High Point: None.

Low Point: Whole ad. God, even for an AMERICAN COMMERCIAL that was vacant and soul-crushing.

Is this commercial an agent of change? It changed me into someone who hates capitalism as an economic system.

"Balloon Fight" | Coca-Cola

Summary: It's New York City, the City of Exciting Things. During a parade, a giant Underdog balloon and a giant Stewie Griffin balloon square off for control of a Coca-Cola balloon. For better or worse, neither of them knock over a streetlamp and put some poor kid into a coma. Then, at the end of the commercial, a Charlie Brown balloon gets the Coke.

High Point: Nice to see Underdog getting some paid work.

Low Point: Charlie Brown shouldn't get the Coke. What the hell? His defining characteristic is losing.

Is this commercial an agent of change? Absolutely not. Like ads for Bud Lite, it makes the viewer wonder: why do these omnipresent companies even bother to advertise? They could take five years off and still be omnipresent.

"Bill Frist and James Carville Have Teh Buttsecs" | Coke

Summary: Pandering sellout James Carville and ethically bankrupt Schiavo-diagnoser Bill Frist are on a TV talk show, where, for unknown reasons, the two are ordered to share a Coke. They tour the city, getting increasingly cuddly, until they climax with a viewing of the big, tall, long, hard, cock-like Washington Monument cockpenis.

High Point: Nice to see Bill Frist getting some paid work.

Low Point: When is Carville going to go away already?

Is this commercial an agent of change? It's an agent of sucking.

"Yuppies Play It Safe, Buy Toyotas" | Toyota Sequoia

Summary: Are you a middle-aged person with kids who has given up on life? Great! You'll probably think a bunch of adults riding big wheels is really funny and interesting, and then you'll buy a Toyota Sequoia.

High Point: A sequoia is a kind of tree.

Low Point: I'm a white, middle-class guy from the Upper Midwest, and I still say: Screw all these people.

Is this commercial an agent of change? It's an agent of making me hate my own kind.