The Ads of Super Bowl XLII

"Do your research and always bring your magical shaman" | Cars.com

Summary: A young guy and a used car salesman sit at the deal-making desk at a car lot. The salesman says "Congratulations, you know a lot about this car." The young guy explains that he did his research on Cars.com, and its consumer reviews and dealer locator were very helpful. "Feels good, doesn't it?" the car dealer says smiling. The customer agrees, and says, "Plus, I didn't have to use Plan B." Clearly confused about how the morning after pill would have in any way affected the purchase or sale of this vehicle, the dealer asks, "Plan B?" "I was going to have a witch doctor shrink your head if you didn't give me what I wanted," explains the customer, who is apparently, not fucking around. Because he actually brought Plan B — the witch doctor, not the abortion pill — with him to the dealership. And when another guy sticks his horribly tiny shrunken head into the office and asks if it's cool if he takes off, we know that the Cars.com user is not a liar. Just a totally violent psychopath with a pet witch doctor.

High Point: How sweetly and patiently the witch doctor waits in the lobby for the guy to finish up the paperwork.

Low Point: No witch doctor origin story. Where the hell did he get him? Does Cars.com have a witch doctor locator, too?

Is this commercial an agent of change? No, car negotiations have always had the potential to include ugly threats and violent intimidation.

"No Leads-ies, No Wash-y" | SalesGenie.com

Summary: Two married pandas who who are also small business owners run into the wall of needing more customers for their enterprise, "Ling Ling's Furniture Shack." Instead of relying on the Yellowpages or any other form of internet searcher-y, they consult the ancient and mystic wisdoms of a psychic. Of course in this universe, only psychics have knowledge of that other world known as the internets. She recommends they get sales leads from SalesGenie.com and thereby saves their business. Six months later they roll up to their now Costco-sized furniture emporium with all the signifiers of wealth and happiness: panda babies and a convertable made of bamboo.

High Point: Choose SalesGenie and you too could drive away in a bamboo corvette.

Low Point: If the pandas are in fact Chinese like their stereotypical accents suggest, then the low point is surely the metaphorical implications of a Chinese citizens' access to information while living under a Communist Regime.

Is this commercial an agent of change? Happiness equals fast cars and chats with psychics. Sounds pretty consistent with reality; no real change here.

"Vitamin Water Am Making Us Strongish!" | Vitamin Water

Summary: It's a horserace at a seedy horse racing track somewhere in America, a country which evidently loves horse racing. And they're off... and the horses all have funny names, funniest of all being the horse pulling up the rear, one Chunk of Love. Oh, and Chunk of Love's jockey is none other than freakishly giant basketball superstar Shaquille O'Neal. Oh, will the wonders of computer effects never cease! The shouting announcers tell us that Shaq has been drinking vitamin water, and sure enough, he speeds from the back of the pack to the front of the pack and wins by a nose. Yay!

High Point: Big man ride small horse! Haw! This am some of the funny!

Low Point: The stated premise doesn't make sense because Shaq can be as fit and full of vitamins as he likes, but his enormous weight would still crush most horses, right? Unless Shaq has also been feeding his HORSE said vitamin water, right? But that would be juicing Shaq's horse, and thus, cheating. So that's what must have happened, right? Because Shaq's not killing his horse and it somehow manages to overcome the extra weight and win!

Ohmigod, Shaq is a cheating-ass gambling addict.

Is this commercial an agent of change? Yes, because clearly the intended recipient in the first draft of the commercial was the horse, but accusations of Shaq being involved with horse-doping have lead to the nonsensical final version where the drinker of the Vitamin Water is now Shaq.