The Ads of Super Bowl XLII

"The Birds" | FedEx

Summary: We open on a young whippersnapper employee walking through a shipping department with his kindly boss. The whippersnapper reveals that he has hired carrier pigeons to handle the company's shipping needs. "What about the big stuff," the kindly boss kindly asks. "We've taken care of that," replies the young whippersnapper. Cut to a scientist pressing a button to reveal a giant pigeon carrying off a giant box. The box slips, smashing into the street below. We see destruction. Smashed boxes. Pigeons carrying off cars. A woman is ripped to shreds. (Probably.) "We'll go with FedEx," concludes the boss.

High Point: The pigeons were cute with their mini delivery helmets on.

Low Point: One can only assume that dozens were killed and maimed by the rampaging birds.

Is this commercial an agent of change? Yes. Pigeons have long been used successfully to instigate violent socialist revolutions. Or, am I thinking about beards?

"The Death of a Salesman" | cars.com

Summary: A young whippersnapper talks with a kindly cars salesman. The young whippersnapper points out that he used cars.com to look up all the information needed to make the purchase. The kindly salesman nods approvingly. Then, perplexingly, the young whippersnapper points out that if he had not gone to cars.com he would have instead made the kindly salesman battle with a large tattooed warrior in a ring of fire. At this point the warrior appears in the scene, dipping his glue-soaked hands in glass. The implication is sobering. Had the young whippersnapper not taken the initiative to look-up car information in advance, he would have had the kindly cars salesman — whom, presumably, he has never met before — beaten to death.

High Point: It's good to see the younger generation taking the time to educate themselves about important financial decisions.

Low Point: It's less good to see them turn so quickly to murder.

Is this commercial an agent of change? No. Most have contemplated worst when it comes to cars salesmen.

"Stained" | Tide Stain Cleaning Pen

Summary: A young whippersnapper conducts a job interview with a kindly boss. The boss, however, is distracted by a coffee stain on the whippersnapper's shirt. The stain begins to talk in a gibberish language, making it difficult to understand the whippersnapper's spiel. The boss then hires him anyway over a more qualified female candidate. Because he's sexist. At least, that's how the commercial would have ended if they had wanted to make a real difference in the world! In reality, it just cut to a tagline. Something about silencing stains.

High Point: The talking stain was cute.

Low Point: The stain did not, as I had originally pitched the Tide people, reveal itself to be made of blood, leaking from a gun shot wound inflicted seconds before the commercial began. The implication: he was dead the entire time...

Is this commercial an agent of change? Yes. The producers took zero dollars from lobbyists or Washington PACs.