Superbowl XXXVII: Break 6

"Monkey Jump" | Sierra Mist

Summary: A couple of monkeys, cooped up in a zoo, do what primates do best: evolve and use tools. By making a crude teeter-totter out of a plank of wood, Monkey A manages to send Monkey B through the air and into the cool, crisp refreshment of the polar bear pool.

There are some problems with this.

1. Polar bears eat monkeys. National Geographic just did a special about this.

2. Of all the places the monkeys could've gone, why pick a pool of water? Why not have the monkey catapult into graduate school for comparative literature? Or into a giant barrel of acid? Or onto the mushy surface of Plantainia, the banana planet?

So, let's get this straight: Drink Sierra Mist if you want to be eaten by polar bears. Fair enough.

Low Point: Wicked overuse of lens flare.

Will this commercial save our failing economy? The only effect of this commercial will be a net decrease in consumption of Sierra Mist by small zoo monkeys. Alan Greenspan will sleep soundly in his crypt tonight.

"A Squirrel Bites a Dentist in the Nuts" | Trident

Summary: Four out of five dentists recommend Trident by loudly declaring "yes." The fifth is assaulted by a squirrel, which chomps his genitalia, leading him to cry "no!" One important question raised by this ad: Since when do squirrels bite people who aren't actually carrying sandwiches? Subsequent commercials for Trident could dwell on Dentist No. 5's destroyed marriage, serious depression and final, glorious suicide attack on the squirrel race's Central Hive.

Low Point: The entire commercial.

Economic impact: Stock in squirrels is going way, way up after this one.

"Nerds Lose Again" | Bud Light

Summary: Why are all the goddamn Bud Light ads cropping up on my shift? Or are there just hundreds of them running throughout the Bowl? Probably the latter. At any rate, a shockingly handsome man walks up to two computer-animated bikini babes with a seashell to his ear. He pretends it's a phone. The phone call, presumably from a trusted friend or family member who gives good advice on relationship issues, advises the women to enjoy a Bud Light with the strange man on the beach. Then a nerd tries the same thing, and a crab in the shell totally assaults him, humiliating him in front of the women, TV viewers at home and the Lord.

Low Point: The "nerd," while clearly skinnier and less attractive than the first guy, is still basically built and totally hot. We're supposed to relate to this ... how?

Economic impact: Implies that conch shells, not flagons of cheap beer, are actually the secret to women. Since conch shells are a minor part of our failing economy, it seems unlikely this ad will do the trick.

"KABOOM" | Miracles

Summary: A new "X-Files"-esque show boasts an episode with a room with totally upside-down furniture ... and another episode featuring an explosion!

High Point: The explosion.

Economic impact: Will destroy the careers of several mid-level ad execs.

— James Norton (jrnorton@flakmag.com)

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