Super Bowl XXXVII: Break 5

"No Pets Allowed" | Bud Light

Summary: Black man is walking a shaggy little dog past a bar that doesn't allow pets. The solution: A shaggy dog becomes a Rasta toupee. A growling Rasta toupee.

High Point: Woman attempts to touch black man's "hair," only to have it growl. And you wonder what's under those dreads.

Will this commercial save our failing economy? Most bars will still not allow pets. And will stay that way. If I had a shih-tzu on my head I'd look like Captain Kangaroo.

"Ben Affleck Still Around" | Daredevil

Summary: Ben Affleck, America's favorite hanger-on, flits and flights about in tights in the middle of the night. Jennifer Garner's involved, somehow. Not much else is needed.

High Point: The beginning of the next ad. We needn't elaborate.

Economic impact: Not the one we want, which is to shred Ben Affleck's career into so many little pieces.

"Truck Rampage" | Monster.com

Summary: A driverless, wild semi tractor trailer runs rampant through fields, souvenir stands, past truck stops and gawking children, causing mayhem and merriment in its wake.

High Point: The Schwarzenegger-esque explosion as the truck passes the gas station ... all ads deserve such a disruptive inferno.

Economic impact: Please don't look for truck-driving ads on Monster.com. The Teamsters do not advertise on the Internet. They advertise at the corner saloon by the Overnite station.

"Urban Blight" | Sierra Mist

Summary: One more black man with a dog, this time in a black neighborhood on a hot summer day. The little dog, seeking "relief", leans on the hydrant, which splits open in a gigantic spray for owner and dog. A magnificent coexistence of urban blight and refreshing taste.

High Point: The Old Black Man quipping, "I gotta get me a dawg like dat."

Economic impact: Sierra Mist will still be overpriced in nonwhite neighborhoods. The effect on dogs is questionable.

"Scratch" | Hanes No Tag

Summary: In a combination of Ang Lee and Old Navy, Jackie Chan jumps about over an orange background, scratching his back. Constant interjections by Michael Jordan, of "no tag." Sigh of relief by Jackie as he wears new Hanes No Tag.

High Point: Jackie attempting to scratch the middle of his back. Believe me, we've all been there.

Economic impact: The lack of a tag means an extra dollar per pack of three. Is that really worth it? Just scratch your back, man!

"Prevent Pot Smoking" | Philip Morris

Summary: There's no better reason to start smoking than after watching this ad. It is essentially a kid playing catch with his dad, as the PM people are exhorting us to talk to our kids to prevent pot smoking and such.

High Point: The appearance of the Philip Morris brand ID at the end. Good to see tobacco folks steering us clear of the ganja for ... Bueller?

Economic impact: My wallet will be noticeably thinner as I smoke a bowl for the explicit reason of not supporting Philip Morris.

"Alias" | "Alias"

Summary: Jennifer Garner slinking toward us in lingerie, as the ABC announcer guy explains stuff about her "Alias" character. Something about ... I don't know, look at that!

High Point: See above.

Economic impact: See above.

— Luciano D'Orazio (loudogs1@aol.com)