Super Bowl XXXVII: Break 2

"You Won't Like Me When I'm Angry" | Hulk, the Movie

Summary: Pushed over the edge by something — possibly Tucker Carlson — the Incredible Hulk destroys an enormous amount of delicate lab equipment and miscellaneous glassware. Seemingly a two-way endorsement of vandalism and steroid use, this commercial truly deadens the sensibilties of a great democracy.

High Point: Nick Nolte. That guy is hilarious.

Will this commercial save our failing economy? Observers say no. If everyone acted like the Hulk, there would be no windows, most of America's tanks would be swung around and catapulted into the air and there would be a national shortage of skin conditioner.

"Strong Man" | Bud Light

Summary: Lest Islamic nations start to think America is a land of alcohol-crazed heathens, Bud Light brings us this thoughtful morality play starring an old man, his cane and a giant refrigerator of booze. Hot tarts gyrate as average Americans beat each other for a crack at their favorite low-impact, mass-produced alcoholic beverage. This interpretation of a strong man contest gone horribly wrong is truly awe-inspiring.

High Point: An old man fending off a mob of beer-drinkers with his cane. What does he want with an entire fridge of low-quality, watery booze? Does he hope to drown himself in it to end his suffering on the material plane?

Economic impact: Tickets to strong man contests: up. Sales of ass-whuppin' old guy canes: way up. Beer sales: No change. Overall, chalk one up for America.

"Beef Jerky" | Dodge Ram

Summary: A guy eating beef jerky mockingly inquires as to the status of his friend's diet. His friend is driving a Dodge Ram. The first guy starts to choke on the jerky. The fat-ish guy accelerates the truck, and then stops suddenly, causing a horked-up piece of meat to hit the windshield.

High Point: A horked-up piece of meat hitting a windshield.

Economic impact: Dodge, now lodged firmly in America's subconscious as "the truck company that sells you trucks with pieces of wet meat on their windshields," will likely experience a dip in sales.

"This is a War" | Matrix: Reloaded and Matrix: Revolutions

Summary: Whoa! Green digital stuff! Kung fu! Robot soldiers! IRS agents with trenchcoats! A slow-motion spinny fight sequence! People floating in mid-air! Don't stomp on that car! The WB logo is green, too! CAN'T... HANDLE... THE STIMULUS...

High Point: Nick Nolte.

Economic impact: Or perhaps that was Keanu Reeves.

"The Two Michael Jordans" | Gatorade

Summary: Young Michael Jordan, brought to us by incredible digital wizardry, confronts his older, slower self. Strangely, they play one-on-one to what appears to be a tie of some sort. Then Michael Jordan No. 3 — from his University of North Carolina days — shows up. Will they indulge in a brief threesome before hitting the court? The cosmological implications are staggering.

Low Point: Michael Jordan covered in eerily glowing yellow sweat.

Economic impact: I'm not sure I ever want to touch Gatorade again. Project that into a large-enough trend, and a good percentage of the US sports beverage industry is in trouble.

"Nice Bling Bling" | "SportsCenter"

Summary: Picture this: A football mascot and Joe Montana dressed as a chef, in a kitchen, searching frantically through stuffed turkeys. That's all you really need to know about this; the commercial is a total gem. A lost Super Bowl ring causes a restaurant to turn itself inside out. Too late, though — a customer finds the ring in his food, puts it on and is complimented on his bling. Nice.

High Point: A football mascot handling stuffed poultry.

Economic impact: Decrease in turkey sales. Increase in restaurant security. A wash.

— James Norton (jrnorton@flakmag.com)

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