Super Bowl XXXVII: Break 12

"Mother/Daughter" | Bud Light

Summary: Another dose of reality from the folks at Anheuser Busch. This, by the way, is a golden rule: The girl's mom will be who the girl'll look like in 20 years. As the two strapping young lads discuss, the said girl and her mother arrive, sweet and lovely ... at least up top. At bottom, Mom has hips you can serve dinner on, and a butt that can be used as a flotation device. This does not bode well for our hero, who'll basically be wrestling a steer come 20 years.

High Point: The camera panning to the rotunding of Mamma's bottom, accentuated by red leather pants. The pants may be pleather, but I'm not sure.

Will this commercial save our failing economy? It's important to realize that Bud Light will always be there, and its proportions are always perfect. Remember that. And go get that six-pack.

"Jared Fogle" | Subway

Summary: Where to start with this crap? First, it is the umpteenth ad with Jared Fogle, über-dieter, standing there, mocking us with his massive weight loss. Now, he's mocking us with a dream sequence where those damn Subway lo-cal subs are actually tasty. I think Mickey D's should hijack his ass and fill it with Happy Meals.

High Point: The fact that the tasty new sauces from Subway truly are a dream. Well, they're not, but...whatever, I'm still a tubby bastard.

Economic Impact: The good folks at Subway have duped fatasses enough into thinking that Subway subs will make them thin. This will continue. Thanks for nothing.

"This time, with Bernie" | Charlie's Angels

Summary: Now, I normally get giddy as a schoolboy when the Fab Three show up with their faux kicking, gunless adventures with Bosley and the omnipresent Charlie. Now, even more so. The ever-present Bernie Mac, a King of Comedy (well ... maybe a minor duke, but whatever) is featured, as are the requisite explosions, face shots and cheesy special effects. Oh boy, oh boy ... I may actually sit through this one.

High Point: Mr. Bernie Mac. The man's presence alone automatically lifts this John Carpenter-like swill into Louis Malle-esque haute cinema.

Economic impact: Well, I'm going. I'll be the only 20-something in the theater, but who cares?

"Keyshawn Johnson" | NFL

Summary: Okay, this isn't a real ad, but it has to be reviewed for the simple reason to expose the truth. Readers: Keyshawn Johnson is an egotistical, arrogant, half-talent hack who rarely is involved in plays. DO NOT BELIEVE HIS AD. DO NOT BELIEVE THIS AD! There, I've said it. Thank you.

High Point: The beginning of the game after this little statement. See above.

Economic impact: Keyshawn's team is winning at the moment, which will waste our collective TV times for an entire year with his insufferable puss. God help me, I need a drink!

— Luciano D'Orazio (loudogs1@aol.com)

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