Tips for a Trump Wedding Guest

What help did I find? Not nearly enough. So that you can be prepared when you agree at the last minute to attend Trump's next wedding, I offer my adventure as your guide.

The Red Carpet

E! channel's swag hags will want an account of any designer freebies you are wearing -- tell them your mother cut your hair -- but more importantly: Are DonaldMelania the ray of hope that will heal our faith in everlasting love, so recently shattered by BradJen [insert up-to-date bride and recently split power couple]?

Answer: Absolutely.

If you are not already wearing a seafoam green ribbon, one may be pinned over your heart by Star Jones Reynolds, who escaped with her life after honeymooning in the Maldives in November [insert up-do-date ribbon color and matching catastrophe]. Politely shun her as you proceed into the church.

The Ceremony

If you want to overhear incisive analysis, such as a dissection of the relative merits of marrying Trump versus lapdancing in Ljublana, sit on the bride's side, near the supermodels.

Bring enough super-strong tissues for sharing. When Donald points at the bride's décolletage and blurts his other catchphrase — I do! — your new friends will be grateful for something to snort into.

The Receiving Line

As you admire the magnificently gem-packed ring, compliment Donald on persuading one of the world's most sought-after jewelers to knock half off the price in exchange for TV exposure.

Show him the tie you got for 60 percent off from one of the world's most successful retailers, no strings attached. He'll grin really hard and give you a good-natured slap on the shoulder to send you on your way.

Drinks

If anybody has the down and dirty on the wild antics at the stag do following the previous night's rehearsal dinner, it's Regis Philbin. Did Donald give an exclusive reading from his ghostwriter's latest chapter? Find the group gathered around Regis and huddle in to catch a juicy quotable, like this passage from the forthcoming mega-seller working-titled "Love Like a Billionaire": "I opened her like an oyster, the largest, most lavish oyster anywhere, the most dynamic oyster ever in the world."

Dinner

Arrive early at Mar-a-Lago and scope out the Donald J. Trump Grand Ballroom. If necessary, swap placecards. Many phenomenal chefs competed for the honor of placing their product on your plate; it would be a shame if you were unable to enjoy it because you happened to be sitting opposite Larry King or Arnold Schwarzenegger.

The Facilities

Pee in splendor unmatched anywhere: the tile is rare apple-green onyx; the plumbing, solid gold. For the ultimate in luxury, take a tip from the prestigious gent with his head in a world-class toilet bowl (Was it Puff Daddy?) and listen to your crap bouncing off all that bling.

The Cake

When your favorite failed "Apprentice" candidates swarm the floor hawking ingots of matrimonial cake, get out your autograph book! Team Eternity pitch long-term memento value. Team Fidelity offer to get their tits out. Soon, both teams have taken off their tops and raised over $50,000 for literacy. Save the cake for later. Put it under your pillow and dream about your fifth wife.

Dancing

Do: dare Kelly Ripa to ask Prince Charles and Mohammad Al-Fayed to be her wings in the Butterfly. Don't: let Liza Minnelli drag you into the Chicken Dance, unless you want a black eye.

The Night

There's magic in the air. Your heiress is making out with Sly Stallone in the loggia. The bride looks ultra-luscious in the moonlight. So does Catherine Zeta-Jones. Careful now. Remember your new year's resolution: Stop seducing gorgeous wives out from under old men! Oprah is radiant after triumphantly dodging the bouquet — could you find the kind of happiness with her that Donald has found with a new Mrs. Trump? If ever there was a time to find out, this is it: the most romantic moment in the history of love.

Goodies

Rebuffed, you will stumble back into the ballroom, where Paul Anka and Billy Joel are sharing a tulle sack of extra-jumbo Jordan almonds and a good cry while hashing together lyrics to yet another Trumped up medley of "My Way" and "Just the Way You Are" for a surprise midnight performance by Luciano Pavarotti.

Slip into an ornate corner. Dig the bottle of Trump cologne out of your favor bag and drench a small patch of molding: the 24-karat gold leaf peels away as easily as the golden garter from the bride's thigh before Donald flung it onto Barbara Walters' cigar. If you leave now, you can beat the rush.

E-mail Kevin Baker at vinbaker@canada.com.