Rummy for Hire
by J. Daniel Janzen

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing today to offer my services to your company, institution or multi-level marketing organization. Having held leadership positions too numerous to count, recount or hold to account, I come to you with outstanding qualifications and a long track record of exceptional accomplishment in the private sector as well as the public sector, in addition to certain private sectors of the public sector and, on occasion, the public sector of the private sector, though strictly in a non-public capacity.

The enclosed resume provides complete details on my past work experience, to the extent that these experiences are relevant to the type of position that I seek to secure with your enterprise, or other positions that may or may not be applicable at the present time, in the future or previously.

I would also direct your attention to several attributes that I have demonstrated over the course of my career, which play a vital role in enabling the success of any organization, in those situations where said success is achieved through the application of attributes such as those mentioned above and described below and, as needed, sideways.

Clear Strategic Vision
As you may already know, I have been both the youngest and the oldest man to serve as Secretary of Defense — though not at the same time, my goodness! I first came into this position at a time of great social and political strife, as both the United States and the Republican Party struggled with the debilitating aftereffects of a prolonged military quagmire. It became immediately clear to me that the fault for the debacle in Vietnam lay squarely on the shoulders of the draftees who so poorly served their nation; in response, I oversaw the transition to an all-volunteer military.

On my second tour of duty, I continued to re-engineer American power through the implementation of the Rumsfeld Doctrine. Unlike the Powell Doctrine that preceded it, which stipulated overwhelming force, a clearly attainable objective and a plausible exit strategy, my own doctrine embodied the key corporate virtues of efficiency and innovation in committing "just enough troops to lose" to any conflict that caught the fancy of the Project for the New American Century, an organization that I founded in order to promote the initiation of conflicts suitable to the application of the Rumsfeld Doctrine and the discreditation of Colin Powell himself and any doctrines with which he is or may be associated.

Put to the test on key battlefields in the Global War on Terror, the efficacy of my doctrine has gone without saying. In fact, I challenge you to find even a single instance of its efficacy going with saying.

Results-Oriented Decision-Making
As a result of the decisive actions resulting from my actionable decisions, a brutal dictatorship has been transformed into a flourishing democracy, and our brave young American servicemen and servicewomen have gained the opportunity to serve their nation in more ways, in greater numbers, for a longer time than in any conflict since the Second World War. In recognition of these accomplishments, editorials in several leading military publications called earlier this week for me to take some well-earned R&R — an invitation I have been only too happy to accept, following discussions with my Commander-in-Chief in which my previously tendered resignation was accepted with great regret on both sides, with the exception of the side doing the accepting, not to be confused with the tendering party, on which side the regret was largely concentrated, not entirely to the exclusion of other sentiments such as anger, fear and some crying.

Discretion
In these days of out-of-control industry regulations and nitpicking white-collar prosecutions, no company can afford to leave its executive management exposed to the possibility of being held responsible for its actions, inactions or subtractions. To illustrate my trademark skill for aggressive transgression accountability management and mitigation, I point you to my success in defusing scandals related to unlawful detention, overseas torture and special rendition. While there were some who felt these matters should be investigated to the highest levels of command, including the civilian leadership, I kept these festering liabilities contained to the lowest possible ranks. As a member of your organization, I will spearhead a responsibility containment strategy designed around a full contingent of interns, subcontractors and other assorted fall guys and gals.

And when I bury a scandal, it stays buried. Remember the Tiger Force atrocities in Vietnam? Neither does anyone else.

Innovation
Lest my gray hair and avuncular manner fool you, let me assure you that I am a veritable font of new ideas and initiatives. Engineering a next-generation Vietnam was only the most recent in a long line of products I've brought to the American people. It was under my leadership as president, CEO and chairman that G. D. Searle and Company won regulatory approval for aspartame — that's NutraSweet to you, the stuff in the blue packet. I also led General Instrument Corporation, the company responsible for the first all-digital HDTV. So you could call my record of innovation brutal, sweet and sharp as a tack — just like me. (I'm sorry, my granddaughter made me include that joke. Did I mention that I have six grandchildren? And I'm an Eagle Scout. And I won the Presidential Medal of Freedom. From President Ford, that is — not one of these Bush fellows).

In closing, let me assure you that, should you entrust to me a position of trust within your organization, you will not regret the decision, notwithstanding any regrets that may arise through secondary decisions resulting from or pertaining to said position, trust, organization or other similar instances in your organization or others as may be relevant at that time, place or alternate dimensionality.

Thank you for your considerate consideration.

Yours Truly,

Donald H. Rumsfeld
Secretary of Defense (Emeritus)