Kissinger's Commission

Bush approves independent Sept. 11 probe

WASHINGTON (Reuters) — Despite initial objections, President Bush Wednesday approved creation of an independent commission to investigate the government's failure to prevent the Sept. 11 attacks, and tapped former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger to lead the effort. "This investigation should carefully examine all the evidence and follow all the facts wherever they lead," Bush said at a bill-signing ceremony before flying to his Crawford, Texas, ranch for a long Thanksgiving holiday weekend.

Kissinger: I'd like to welcome all of you to the first meeting of our independent commission. Look around. You are here because you're the top 1 percent of all public servants. You're the elite, the best of the best. You have integrity and vision. Impeccable judgment. You are Christian, and — with one exception — white. I chose each of you myself, because I know that you are much like me. I know that together we will form an impartial, non-partisan dream team and get to the bottom of 9/11.

Now that everyone has arrived, let's get started. We're going to spend today getting acquainted and comfortable with one another. We'll start things off with a simple icebreaker, take a five-minute break, and then split into small groups to do some brainstorming.

A couple of you have asked if we will be doing trust-falls or blindfolded trust-walks with partners today. To be honest, I'm not a huge fan of trust-building exercises in general, so barring serious objection, we are going to skip that part of the team-growing workshop today.

Time to break the ice! This is just an introduction, so why don't you first tell us your name, and then tell us what special strengths or qualities you bring to our team. How will you make a valuable contribution? Why are you right for this job? Katherine, let's start with you.

Katherine Harris: Hey everybody. I'm Katherine. What makes me the right person for this job is my ability to think outside the box. I don't let unimportant bureaucratic stuff like laws or protocol or ethics get between me and my goals.

Kissinger: Great. That's what I like to hear. Next?

Mark Fuhrman: That's me. Hi. My name is Mark and I'm from California. I think that my background in law enforcement, particularly my proper evidence-gathering know-how will be invaluable as we investigate the events of Sept. 11.

Kenneth Starr: Hi, my name is Ken. I'm thrilled to be here. One of my biggest strengths is persistence. When I decide that someone is guilty, I don't rest until I find some sort of evidence to back it up. I'm looking forward to finding evidence that the Sept. 11 attacks were not due to an intelligence failure or any error by the Bush administration, but instead can be attributed to both President Clinton and his Islamic extremist friends.

Kissinger: I like it, Ken. You are onto something there. Next?

Jerry Falwell: My name is Jerry, but please call me Reverend Falwell or Dr. Falwell — either is fine. I am honored to be a part of this fine group. What can I contribute? Well, for one thing, a direct line of communication to God. God and I are very close. We speak daily and He has already expressed His desire to help our investigation along as much as He can. Also, I bring to the table several compelling theories I have developed about the root causes of the attacks involving unholy, sinning homosexuals and feminists. Amen.

Kenneth Lay: Hello everyone. My name is Ken. Since there are two Kens, you guys can call me Kenny Boy to keep us straight. You know, I count myself as one of the many Americans who have endured severe financial hardship since September of last year, and I think that experiencing such destitution has given me a unique perspective on the attacks. I believe that perspective will be valuable to our work here.

Linda Tripp: My heart goes out to you and your family, Kenny Boy. Wow. That's tough. Anyway, I'm Linda, hello to all of you. In addition to being a career bureaucrat, I have extensive experience devising and implementing creative investigative solutions for unusual situations, and working undercover. It is my honor to once again use these talents to serve my country. Thank you.

Kissinger: Excellent! Thank you. Who is next? Ah, Judge Bork. A very old friend of mine. Go ahead, Your Honor.

Robert Bork: Before I introduce myself, I'd like to take a moment to recognize our courageous leader, Mr. Henry Kissinger. The president could not have picked a better man for the job. There is, quite frankly, no man alive as familiar with the complex logistical and technical realities associated with mass murder and large-scale devastation as Mr. Kissinger. Winner of the Nobel Peace Prize, author of our decisive victory in Vietnam, and a personal hero of mine, Henry Kissinger. Let's give him a hand, folks.

Kissinger [nods modestly at the enthusiastic applause]: Thank you, Your Honor. Enough about me, tell them about yourself.

Robert Bork: Yes, sir. Well, hello all. I'm Bob. I used to be a judge. I am proud to share with this committee my time, my expertise, and my abiding contempt for women, minorities, and so-called "reproductive rights." Great to be here.

Chief Charles Ramsey: I'm Charles Ramsey, the Chief of the Metropolitan Police. here in DC. I will bring the same tireless, persistent, resourceful professionalism to this team that I brought to the Chandra Levy investigation, and that I bring to all the investigations I oversee in the DC area. Thank you.

Kissinger: So this is our core commission team. I am very excited about all this potential. We are also fortunate enough to have several brilliant, high profile officials and former officials who will be working with us as consultants, including Bob Packwood and Dan Rostenkowski; as well as cabinet members Otto Reich and Elliot Abrams. Next Thursday, it is important that all of you are here on time, because medium John Edward, star of the popular syndicated program "Crossing Over" will be here channelling Spiro Agnew, John Ehrlichman, and Attila The Hun so that they may contribute to our discussion as well.

In the meantime, help yourself to a danish and be back here in five for small group work.

— Alissa Rowinsky Wright (alissa@flakmag.com)