The Last Best Hope for Peace?
By Aaron Gell

From: "Saddam Hussein" (baghdude34@yahoo.com)
To: Jack Kliger, CEO, Hachette Filipacci
Subject: Settling In...

Jack,

First of all, I wanted to apologize for all the fuss about titles (editorial consultant, creative director, father-leader... really, it's all the same to me, as long as the staff knows I'm not just here to chat on the phone and read gawker.com all day). I'm happy with editorial director (like Truman at Conde Nast) if it works for you.

By the way, I meant to thank you for lunch at the Four Seasons the other day. You weren't kidding! That really was the mother of all Cobb salads. The little thing about making you taste it first... well, I guess old habits really do die hard.

I've already been giving a lot of thought to Woman's Day. Love the new trim size, but frankly, the formula needs a bit of an overhaul. On the way in today, I had a couple ideas off the top of my head: "How to Sew Your Own Burkha"; "His and Hers (and Hers and Hers): Can This Comarriage Be Saved?" etc. I've got a million of them!

My son Qusay was psyched to be included in ElleGirl's "International Department of Cute" (his mother and I thank you), even if they did run a photo that makes him look husky. One more favor... Uday's really serious about wanting to edit Road & Track. I take your point about Thos. Bryant having a contract, but Jack, we both know there are ways of handling these things. My guess is a well-timed Town Car fender-bender on the West Side Highway would be plenty persuasive. I'll draw up a plan. Meanwhile, maybe Uday could get his feet wet with Cycle World?

Thanks again for putting in a word with Peter Herbst at Premiere re: movie screenings. He's promised to hook me up. I feel so out of it! Kissinger asked me what I thought of The Pianist at a dinner the other night, and I just about did a spit-take with my Caipirinha. The guy has some accent, and after how many years here! (One question: Did something go down with New Line? They're being awfully tight about Willard screenings.)

Jack, I realize the office on the 44th floor is just temporary, but I can't WAIT to get my own space. Frankly, Robbie Myers hasn't been particularly welcoming, and the rest of the Elle staff seems to be taking their marching orders from her. Do you think she's threatened by me? Honestly, if she didn't want to call in a few lousy Dolce & Gabanna suits, she could have just said so. The other day, I gave her my sizes on a Post-It — well, did she ever shoot me a look! Fine, I'll go to Gilles from now on.

As for my new office, Jack, the plans you showed me are a great start, but isn't 15x25 a bit on the, er, cozy side? Frankly, it's the size of the mud room in my Tikrit bunker. Also, I'm afraid I have to insist on the larger sectional sofa. Yes, my Republican Guards can stand at attention, but it doesn't make for very relaxed white-board sessions.

Meanwhile, Swiss Coffee is fine for the walls, but the industrial carpet thing isn't really doing it for me. I know a guy who does the most exquisite marblework. He'll give me a deal, I just need you to sign off. (And don't think I didn't notice your conspicuous silence about the indoor waterfall idea.) Oh, and I thumbed through that office supply catalog but I don't see any of those Aeron chairs. Not to be fussy, but with my back, I can't take chances. Can I just buy and expense?

Believe me, I understand the company's budget constraints. You think the ad market is flat, try a decade of international sanctions :-( . But did you see what happened to the Lagardere stock price the day I took the exile deal? Ka-ching! Believe me, they're raking in dinars hand over fist. Say what you will about the magazine division (I know, I know, George...), but these guys know the weapons business. So seriously, if the boys in Paris give you any trouble, give me a heads up. I know how to handle the French.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Bushism of the Day!
"We cannot let terriers and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile.''

Aaron Gell is the senior features editor and arts and culture critic for W magazine. E-mail him at aaron.gell@fairchildpub.com.