Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct (Linguistic) Terrorism
Memorandum
To: All US Residents
From: Department of Homeland Security
Re: Is Your Language a Path to Treason?
Date: Aug. 28, 2003
Have you recently eaten at a "café?" Did you order an "entrée" from
the "menu?" Might it have contained a condiment commonly referred to
as "mayonnaise?" And for dessert, did you happen to have some "crepes,"
or even a "crème brulee?"
Have you ever driven a "sedan" or worn "perfume?"
If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then you are a
traitor, a traducer, a treasonist, a turncoat, a two-timer and a fifth columnist. You may even be a terrorist sympathizer. At least, that's what your fellow Americans will think.
Have you ever stopped and noticed how much "foreign" influence pervades
our good ole American language? How alien elements — especially French
alien elements — still pollute the pure language of Washington and Jefferson?
To make matters worse, the French, in their boorish zeal for
Francophonic purity, have begun forsaking innocent, defenseless, American words.
Just last month, the word "e-mail" was condemned for sounding too American and replaced with "courriel," which sounds more like a cross between a cocker spaniel and a terrier.
Other upstanding American words — such as "chat," "Internet" and "freedom" — are facing similar censures. (We are investigating possible links between Al Qaeda and the Commission on Terminology and Neology, which is responsible for this travesty.) Meanwhile, the French and their godless sympathizers continue to live among us, recklessly utilizing such words as "sangfroid" and "panache" as if they were lazily sipping a "cognac" in some "bistro" on "Montmartre."
To assist citizens in preserving our linguistic heritage and promoting patriotism and global liberty, the Department of Homeland Security has compiled a list of recommended Americanized words and phrases to use in lieu — make that, instead — of their insidious French counterparts. For example, rather than parking your "coupe" in a "garage," you should park your
"mini-ride" in a "car hole." Replace any use of the word "ballet" with "pranceydance." As in: "Why, I didn't know you did pranceydance in your spare time!" And when someone does something stupid, never, ever tell them they made a "faux pas," but rather refer to it as a "mybad." Like so: "Jenkins, I think questioning the ambassador's personal propriety was quite a mybad."
Below are several other notable examples. Become familiar with their usage, and note when anyone slips in their diligence.
Please share this information with your fellow Americans. Citizens
should be ever vigilant and ever mindful of their use of the American language.
Be sure to report any Francophonic activity to your nearest Homeland Security
branch office immediately. Remember, the use of French words is not only
snotty, not only rude and impolite.
It is un-American.
