America's Next Top Derelict

NEW YORK — In a press conference today senior FOX executive J. Alfred Danner announced the premier of the flagship network's latest reality television undertaking, Extreme Debtors. The program will pit young adults against one other to determine who can generate the greatest debt burden within a 90-day period.

Acknowledging the ever-growing proliferation of reality programming in the entertainment industry, Danner stressed FOX's commitment to differentiation in an increasingly saturated field.

"People are getting jaded," he said. "How many times can you watch a morbidly obese woman voluntarily undergo five surgeries at once before you get bored?" he asked, alluding to ABC's popular reality series, Extreme Makeover. Extreme Makeover's homely participants seek to transform themselves from ugly ducklings to swans, aided by a small legion of plastic surgeons. "Once you've seen one gastric-bypass, you've seen them all," Danner lamented.

Asked why FOX chose to cast only young adults for its new program, Danner replied, "I think it's rather obvious. Young adults offer the highly desirable combination of being fiscally irresponsible and entering the age when major financial decisions will be made. They really are the perfect candidates to become 'Extreme Debtors.'"

In the weekly half-hour series, middle-class students ranging in age from 18-to-22 will embark on a spending frenzy, purchasing items befitting their age bracket. University loans, car payments, health insurance, credit card arrears, and "living expenses" — defined vaguely by a FOX press release as "anything from a North Face Everest-edition parka to rare John Belushi poster collages — are predicted to be the most frequent expenditures.

Additionally, a complicated algorithm known as the "Frivolity Index" (FI) will award bonus debt for purchasing expensive items that have a perceived value considerably inferior to that of similar items priced equally or less. For example, George Washington University tops out at close to $47,000 a year in tuition and housing — $4,000 more than Harvard University — though GWU doesn't even crack the top 50 of US News and World Report's venerable college rankings of 2007.

To facilitate unfettered access to credit, random credit card mailings pre-approving candidates will be increased from weekly to daily occurrences. FOX spokesman Benjamin Ross explained that levying some of the highest finance charges in the industry, these cards "are a real boon" to accruing financial liability. "These [credit card] companies have been marketing to youth for years and have plenty of experience inducing them to spend far beyond their means," he said.

The contestant who racks up the largest debt within the 90-day period will win a full reprieve of all monetary obligations. Second place will receive a 50 percent reduction on interest rates as he or she pays back the debt.

In a twist befitting the famously audacious FOX universe, the last place finisher will be given his or her own reality show chronicling the agonizing path back towards a balanced budget. Viewers will get a first-hand glimpse into traditional work-study programs instituted by universities to help students earn their way through school, by tackling career-building positions such as serving food at the dormitory cafeteria for $7.50 an hour.

— Christopher Rosen (christopher dot rosen at gmail dot com)