Nuzzling Up Against the Cold Hand of Science

It's not at all unusual for promising new technology to stumble out of the gate, its developers unaware of the applications of their groundbreaking work. The Internet, for example, got its start as a way for military officials to communicate in the event of a nuclear holocaust. At the time, no one foresaw the likes of Yahoo! or Amazon.com, let alone a computer peripheral that would allow users to smell something halfway across the world.

Even more frustrating, however, is when the hammer blows of invention graze the nail and ever-so-slightly miss an obvious commercial application. When Genetic Savings and Clone announced last week that it had cloned a 2-year-old cat named Rainbow, the scientific community debated whether it was morally proper for mourning pet owners to resurrect their dogs, cats, gerbils, chickens and pythons by copying their DNA. And while dubbing the DNA of a beloved pet is, in fact, a wonderful, potentially lucrative application of this bold new technology, science journalists and Genetic Savings and Clone failed to take the discussion to the next level: Why wait for your cat or dog to die when you can bring home a cute little kitten or puppy, put it to sleep once its cuteness fades and bring home another, good as new, the same day?

With a bit of timing and ingenuity, the cloning of kittens and puppies will eliminate the troublesome task of weaseling a friend into taking care of your pet during your yearly vacation. All a pet owner need do is inform Genetic Savings and Clone of an upcoming vacation. When the day of the trip arrives, Mittens the 14-month-old kitten (already nearly a adult cat) is dropped off at GS&C sometime between the bank and the airport. On the return trip, Mittens' owner picks up Mittens II — one year younger, ready for mischief and as cute as Mittens was on Day 1.

Resolving disputes over which child is Fluffy or Spot's rightful owner will be as simple as filling in a box marked "Qty." on a Genetic Savings order form. Maybe grandpa wants to take one last hunting trip with his first dog. No problem! And why move your beloved cat all the way across country when he hates traveling? Just put him down, pack a whisker and it's see you on the other side, Schnookems.

Think of the financial savings to be had in a world of perpetual kitties! Three kittens eat less food, use less litter and shed less fur than one adult cat, and there's hardly a need to immunize your pets when you can replace them in the event of a bout with feline leukemia. The applications of yearly euthanasia would circumvent criticism that clones often lead lives far shorter than their source animals. Genetic Savings and Clone has the ability to revolutionize the worlds of pet ownership and veterinary medicine, if only they can usurp tired, so-called morality debates that are little more than barely camouflaged remnants of pie-in-the-sky, fact-forsaking religion.

Already, the mainstream press is hinting at the brave new world of pet ownership, with the New York Times' visionary copy desk penning the clunky, if accurate, front-page headline: "What's Warm and Fuzzy Forever? With Cloning, Kitty." But rather than discussing cloning's potential to eliminate the trouble of finding a dog or cat sitter, Gina Kolata's article rehashes the same tired ethical questions and accusations of moral turpitude the rest of us forsook mere days after Dolly's first bleats.

Americans have spurned the caresses of science's cold hand for too long. Now that it's shown up carrying a basket of warm puppies and kittens, perhaps the march of progress can continue unimpeded.

— Eric Wittmershaus (ericw at flakmag dot com)