Hillary Clinton at the Checkout Counter
by Aemilia Scott
Scene: A checkout line at a PathMark grocery store in New York.
CLINTON: My fellow Americans! I have an important announcement to make. My name is Hillary Clinton, and I am Shopping at PathMark.
CASHIER [Begins to scan items slowly]: Did you find everything you're looking for?
CLINTON: Yes, dignified cashier. You, and people like you, have provided me with the produce, the sundry items, and the over-the-counter medication that people need. On behalf of all hard working Americans, I thank you.
CASHIER [Scans a box of Grape Nuts]: Thanks. So you found everything?
CLINTON: Cashier, I can't speak for myself. But I can say that if today has been any indication, the people who frequent your store will find everything they need.
CASHIER [Scans skinless, boneless chicken thighs]: I'll take that as a yes.
CLINTON: Don't quote me on that.
CASHIER: Okay. Do you have a PathMark PAC savings card?
CLINTON: Cashier, I do not have a PAC savings card. I would not get a card like that for myself. And yet let me make it perfectly clear that I support the right of every shopper to get a PAC savings card if he or she desires. Cards like that should be safe, legal, and readily available for any American who needs one.
[At the back of the line, a man pipes up]
MAN: Come on, lady! Make up your mind!
CLINTON: And yet cards like that should be rare. I'm not advocating the reckless use of PAC savings cards, or any savings cards for that matter. I myself would never get one. But the decision to get one or not get one is between the consumer, and his or her God.
[A woman behind her pipes up]:
WOMAN: We are all going to be right here until 2008.
MAN: Probably.
CASHIER [Scanning a bottle of hair spray]: Okay, how are you going to pay today?
CLINTON: Well, Citizen Cashier, I'm glad you asked me that question. I have put together a team of advisors, and together we will come up with a strategy that will work best for me, and for America. Soon I will present to you a 12-point plan that will outline how I will be able to take home produce I have put in my shopping cart, and not pass the cost onto lower and middle class America. These are Americans who work hard and play by the rules, and they should not be responsible for footing the bill.
CASHIER: So, cash?
WOMAN: Just answer the question.
CLINTON: No, I can't say that at this time.
CASHIER: Okay. Debit or Credit?
CLINTON: Look, the issue isn't that simple.
MAN: Yes it is! Answer the question!
CLINTON: You want me to say something I'll regret later!
CASHIER: I want you to push Debit or Credit.
CLINTON: That is not for me to decide.
CASHIER [Resting his head on the conveyor belt]: Please decide.
CLINTON: Well, historically I have always been in support of Debit. I haven't made any attempt to hide my support for Debit. I've gone on record numerous times supporting Debit, and those who use Debit. This is America, and I will fight for the rights of anyone who wishes to use Debit. And yet recent polls have shown that Americans overwhelmingly support using Credit. Credit use is a traditional American value, and it is something that many consider a fundamental ethical truth. While Debit is popular on the coasts, the center of America still seems reluctant to accept Debit. There are moral and political arguments to be made on both sides. But if the majority of America thinks that Credit is a more socially acceptable way to pay for produce, that is a reality that I cannot ignore. And yet —
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WOMAN: It's like I've found a tiny slice of hell, right here in Westchester.
MAN IN LINE: How about I buy your groceries with my debit card? Would that end this horrible debate?
CLINTON: I will allow you the freedom to pay with whatever method of tender you like. I would support you no matter which choice you made.
CASHIER: Okay. Great. Paper or plastic?
CLINTON: I cannot answer that at this time.
WOMAN: Please. I am begging you. Make a decision. Help me understand how you want to carry your groceries out of this store.
CLINTON: Look, it is not for me to decide whether I want to put my produce in a paper bag or a plastic bag. There is a huge array of points on both sides of the issue. There are many honest Americans who put their groceries in plastic bags, and just as many who enjoy paper. This is a complicated —
MAN: No one is asking you what America wants. I just want to know whether or not you want me to put your goddamn lettuce in a goddamn plastic or paper bag! Do you understand me? Please, if the next word out of your mouth is not either "Paper" or "Plastic," I will personally eject you from this store.
CLINTON: Okay. Paper.
CASHIER: Wow. Okay. Paper it is.
CLINTON: Let me tell you how I arrived at the decision to choose Paper...
E-mail Aemilia Scott at aemilia at gmail dot com.
— graphic by Mike Ramsey
