The Determined Optimist's 2005 Year in Review
JANUARY — The search for Iraqi WMD comes to a triumphant official
end, validating claims that the US invasion frightened the weapons so
badly that they spontaneously evaporated.
FEBRUARY — Hockey players and owners agree to disagree, and
furthermore agree to cancel the entire 2004-2005 season. Everyone
rests up, preparing for a really great showing in 2005-2006.
APRIL — Bad news: A National Counterterrorism Center report on
terrorism shows that attacks tripled in 2004. Good news: The State
Department responds by going green and striding toward a new
"paperless" tomorrow. A State Department spokesman noted that "Mother Nature will thank us for doing away with that silly old annual terrorism report we've published for the past 19 years."
MAY — Vice President Dick Cheney, commenting on the war in Iraq,
declares: "I think they're in the last throes, if you will, of the
insurgency." Iraqis mark the end of the insurgency with a series of
carefully timed and extremely powerful roadside celebrations.
Star Wars: Episode III — Revenge of the Sith makes a smashing debut,
and goes on to gross more than $380 million in the US. The film's
success disproves the MPAA's statute that in order to be successful, a movie should feature things such as acting and dialogue.
AUGUST — Congress successfully leads a bipartisan fight to stimulate
the private sector with a $286 billion transportation bill containing
6,371 pet projects. Hot tubs and extraneous bridges for everybody!
SEPTEMBER — The aftermath of Hurricane Katrina brings with it
exciting new business opportunities for contractors, lumber
wholesalers and newly employable former heads of the Federal Emergency
Management Agency. Gas prices surge past $3 a gallon, bringing
much-needed relief to oil companies battling the threat of not
achieving all-time record profitability.
OCTOBER — President Bush nominates Harriet Miers for a spot on the
Supreme Court. The nomination fails, but nonetheless blazes a trail
for future nominees who sincerely want to be on the Supreme Court, and
lack only formal qualifications.
NOVEMBER — In Kansas, the power of imagination triumphs over
heartless science as evolution makes way for "Intelligent Design."
Movie buffs, rejoice; the decision to rewrite state educational
standards sets the stage for a future film as engrossing and
thoughtful as Inherit the Wind.
DECEMBER — Americans are snug in bed at night knowing that their president has won another skirmish against privacy by eavesdropping on Americans without court approval.
High-spirited Iraqis ring in the new year in their own distinctive way.
— James Norton (jim@flakmag.com)
