Hear No Evil
by Bob Cook

In difficult times like these, we Americans seek strong leadership. A firm hand. Someone who is ready to protect us against all evil forces. Someone like Clear Channel Communications.

Clear Channel, which owns pretty much every radio station and major concert venue in the country, put out a list of songs it is urging its 1,000 or so radio stations not to play, lest they offend the delicate sensibilities of a post-terrorist attack nation. (The company is denying the existence of a list, although it isn't denying it's asking it's stations to avoid songs with potentially sensitive lyrics.)

Of course, I am still alive and lost no family members or friends in the Sept. 11 attack. But I can’t believe that hearing Pat Benatar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" is enough to induce some form of post-traumatic stress disorder. Maybe if you were in high school when that song was a hit, it might.

The list can only be charitably described as ridiculous. Presumably anything reference an airplane is out — "Leaving on a Jet Plane," "Jet Airliner," "Bennie and the Jets." Presumably anything referencing an afterlife is out — "Imagine," "Knockin' on Heaven's Door," "Hells Bells." New York songs are out, including "New York New York," which would kill the wedding-band industry if it followed Clear Channel's directive. Rage Against the Machine gets the special distinction of having all its songs under Clear Channel's fatwa.

Surely the images of people jumping to avoid a fiery death were disturbing, but will that really result in nightmares if a Clear Channel station plays "Jump," "Free Fallin'" or "Bound for the Floor"? Space does not permit a list of all 161 songs, although most share one thing in common: They're not even remotely related to Sept. 11's events. None that I know of have anything to do with bombing skyscrapers (unlike that album cover by heretofore obscure rappers The Coup showing the World Trade Center blowing up).

I'm also not sure why some songs made the cut, and some didn't. Talking Heads' "Burning Down the House" is out — but "Psycho Killer" is OK. Blue Oyster Cult's "Burnin' for You" is out — but not "Don't Fear the Reaper." Ozzy Osbourne's "Suicide Solution" is out — but "Flying High Again" is just dandy!

In some cases, apparently only one version of a song is out. The Ad Libs' "Boy from New York City" is songa non grata, but Clear Channel stations have the go-ahead to play the Manhattan Transfer's version of that into submission. (Hey, shouldn't someone have banned that band because of its name?) Peter, Paul and Mary's "Blowin' in the Wind" is the only take cited for removal, although I'm guessing Clear Channel won't get too much argument about not playing that limp version.

The list sometimes does mention more than one artist next to a song, which creates some dream duets I wish we could hear. I would run, not walk, to a record store yesterday to get "Knockin' on Heaven's Door" by Bob Dylan and Guns 'n' Roses, "Dancing in the Street" by Martha and the Vandellas and Van Halen and "Wonderful World" by Sam Cooke and Herman's Hermits.

Then you have the issue of different songs with the same title. I don't know what the lyrical difference is that got Alien Ant Farm's "Smooth Criminal" banned but let Michael Jackson's off scot-free. Sugar Ray's "When It's Over" — no. Loverboy's "When It's Over" — yes, yes, yes!

And given Clear Channel's avoidance of anything that smacks of describing the terrorist's actions, how did "Oops, I Did It Again" get overlooked?

As of this writing, I'm a few days away from going to see John Mellencamp play at a Clear Channel-owned amphitheater outside Indianapolis. "Crumblin' Down" and "Paper in Fire" made the no-no list. I wonder if, when Mellencamp tries to play those songs, Clear Channel police will come out and arrest him.

E-mail Bob Cook at bobc@flakmag.com.