'Tis Pity They're All Whores

The most disgusting thing about the recent Spitzer imbroglio is not the illegality (and purported barebackery!) of the shtup in question, the slobbering media engrossment with the other woman or the abuse of power by a nice East Coast liberal who always prosecuted and legislated for the little people. It's not even the exiting governor's constipated grimace of contrition. It's the hypocrisy — not his, but ours — of giving a damn.

In 2008, the moralizing orgy made of cases like Spitzer's is unique to the United States. Even in cultures popularly drawn as obsessed, repressive or plain weird about sex, public officials aren't lynched for their private indiscretions. Only the British media's fascination with Windsor's naughty bits compares to the American political sex scandal in headline space and water—cooler outrage. But even on the stuffy Isles, pols really have to screw the pooch — not only get caught in a dalliance, but misappropriate, grope underlings or bag a possible spy — before anyone yells resignation. Abroad, it seems, the rich and powerful do indeed have their fun, and when that fun is outed, it is properly viewed as kind of gross, absolutely hilarious, and of relatively little importance.

In America, by contrast, indiscretions of this nature end careers — under certain conditions. You have to cheat, and you definitely have to lie about it. Obstruction of justice in the name of keeping a lid on exactly how gross you are helps. So do nauseating details (here we refrain from linking the unbelievably yucky Foley transcripts.) If you're a Republican, allegations of gaiety and swinging can suffice, but impregnating your teenage maid and buying road head are survivable. Democrats too are sometimes strung up for liking men, but more often get a pass for being cool about it. Third-party and dark-horse figures are always safe. First, almost nobody cares what they do in the first place. Second — curiously — the sex lives of political long shots tend to be either apparently non-existent or obviously terrific. You can blame easy access. Washington itself has always been one of the most brothel-rich towns in history, and in general, powerful men are certainly more able to insert themselves into places they shouldn't; that's pretty much what politics is. They're rock stars — except Nader, who just stumps with them — they're rich, they travel and they routinely listen to thousands of people screaming their names.

But conventional wisdom also tells us that they're more willing. The egomania, self-absorption and sense of entitlement it takes to want to govern millions of people are not to be underestimated. The stress and disconnect resulting from high-powered careers are also favorite scapegoats of cheater apologists. I guess if I started wars and sold out my constituents all day I'd want to have sex with someone I didn't know, too. Susie Bright chalks it up to WASP repression. Glenn Beck, of course, calls it typical liberal licentiousness. Bill Maher goes so far as to blame the institution of marriage and poor Silda for Spitzer's straying. We're frantic to figure this out — what about prostitutes and pages so compels these men? (And they're always men; if Hillary, Condi or Nancy ever got any, we'd declare a national holiday.)

More pressingly, why do we care — when we care? Why are the liaisons of the rich and public sometimes our business and sometimes not? If it's true that Americans have a problem with our civil servants getting serviced, it's evidently not the fact that they have sex, the relative venality, infidelity or illegality of the deeds, or even the hushing-up during and after the fact. The popular Kennedys were permitted to cheat and lie, as was the delightfully clueless Arnold, who got off with an apology. Gerry Studds, who unlike Mark Foley was openly gay and actually had sex with a minor, is still celebrated as a queer pioneer. What makes these transgressions okay and Spitzer's a moral failing?

Sadly for the ex-gov, he was unpopular and unlucky. Consider that all of our most revered presidents did the mess-around, with the exception of Lincoln, who at the very least snuggled with men. They remain beloved icons who get streets named after them. This is because we privately know that our zealotry in ascribing different moral standards to politicians than we do to ourselves is voyeuristic, pointless and obscenely expensive. We know that if Spitzer's a hypocrite, then all we elect are hypocrites or, more kindly, flawed humans who teach what they need to learn.

Spitzer used the ethics chops of his stint as attorney general to campaign on a pro-transparency, anti-corruption platform. He'd busted mobsters, fraudsters and trusts and generally made himself strongly disliked on Wall Street. Steamrolling. With the f-word. For reasons that are now somewhat clearer, he also got a kick out of prosecuting prostitution rings much smaller, cheaper and less active than the one he patronized. Obviously John Faso was right when he said (over a year ago): "The pattern of Eliot Spitzer is that there's one set of rules for him and another set for everyone else." That means he gets to pay for sex and we don't! No fair. Jerk. Hypocrite.

And he is. And they all are. This is why our hawk president never saw combat. This is why certain Republicans like public bathrooms. This is why one Democratic nominee changes her tune on immigration depending on whom she's talking to, why another wants gay money but no gay marriage, and why even virtuous old Ralph invests in monopolies.

There's no need to go on, and there's no cynicism in recognizing that all politicos mince their words, flip—flop and spin — and have "personal failings" to match their public inconsistencies. But we like to mythologize our leaders and they like it too. It gives them plenty of ammunition to use against each other, when the time is right. It livens up a slow news day. And most importantly, it takes the focus off the real failings: the corruption, the misappropriation, the distortion and the general bullshit elected officials perpetrate on a daily basis. The fucking-over that actually affects you is complicated, unsexy and not much fun to read about. You're always vaguely conscious of it, which is why Spitzer's constituency was sick of him long before they ever heard of "Kristen." A sex scandal makes the ever-present public corruption personal, and mudslingers are happy to hit you where you sleep. We know these people are liars and thieves and as power-drunk as playground bullies. But a good bully knows that when you call someone a fag or a slut, you've won — or at least the other guy looks that much weaker.

The fact is that there's no demonstrable connection between bad behavior and bad government. Like members of the elite throughout history, Spitzer's been breaking the law for a long time. It shouldn't take a sex scandal to get him prosecuted, out of office or disbarred, and you shouldn't be made to finance, then consume every tawdry detail of the ensuing witch-hunt. If we must insist on scrutinizing the "moral failings" of these crooks, there's a trove to be found in their voting records, tax forms and body counts. Leave the shaming and castration to those who've earned the right.