Weekly Shredder 48:
The "Great Speech" E-Mail
by James Norton
There's some bad information going around out there.
Strike that: There's a lot of bad information going around out there. But there's one particularly rotten little piece that we'll deal with this week.
It's an e-mail forward.
Now, there's an inherent hierarchy that governs how we react to different bits of data. Most important: books. They're stately. Smart. Durable. Boring. Next most important: hand-written letters. They're classy. Personal. Unique. And so on, and so on, through magazine articles, radio shows, TV programs, cable TV programs, late-night cable TV programs, community access TV programs, video games, "graphic novels," cartoons, etc., trickling downward into the sewer of degradation until we arrive at the lowest rung on the media ladder: the political e-mail forward.
For archives, audio, and background about the column, click here.
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So insignificant that it hardly bears mentioning at all.
And yet, there's something to be said for these things. At best, they're legitimately entertaining. But at worst, they cater to a red-meat, "kill 'em all," action-movie approach to the world that politicians often exploit when pursuing their own selfish policies.
This is one of the latter. (To read the whole thing, click here.)
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY US PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?
Terrific start. Begin on the premise of bipartisanship. Use all caps to grab people's attention.
My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.
Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war,
our mission in Iraq is complete.
Now... what exactly does this mean? Congress has been pouring money into the war, even though it never exactly approved it in the first place.
In fact, White House budget chief Lawrence Lindsey predicted that an invasion and occupation of Iraq could cost between $100 billion and $200 billion. He was sacked for saying that, and Congress was lowballed on the cost.
Blaming Congress for not funding the war is a shrewd move, though — it gives the president (presumably President Bush, the war's instigator and overall architect) credit for ending the war, while blaming Congress for not prosecuting it well.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.
More smoke and mirrors. Sounds like a coalition, right? Bulgaria and Poland, for example, sustained a total of 30 fatalities in Iraq before deciding to pull out, while the US has sustained, as of this month, more than 1,800 fatalities.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
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Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.
It's worth noting that we would have saved all that money had we listened to most of the nations on list number 2, who wisely advised us that going to war with Iraq was a bad idea. Some of them, France included, even helped search for WMD — an effort that turned out to be fruitless.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.
An interesting note: the nations on list 2 include "hell-holes" such as Egypt, Israel, Canada and Mexico. How useful is it to alienate our two biggest neighbors, and relinquish influence over two of the Middle East's most important powers?
It feels like it's suggesting that we do something, which is satisfying to many readers. The problem is that it's advocating doing something stupid.
On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.
The Terminator couldn't have put this any more succinctly or clearly. One problem: We're currently trying to do this with Al Qaeda, and it's not going so well. All our tough talk and high firepower action in Iraq has gotten us is more instability and the world's largest recruiting poster for future terrorists. That, and almost 2,000 American bodies.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many
UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid
parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped,
shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to
this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those
tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be
turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New
York.
A ray of good sense in an otherwise unbroken stream of gradeschool playground taunts. Since when does diplomatic immunity apply to parking tickets? You don't pay the tickets, you don't keep the cars.
We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling
for oil in Alaska — which will take care of this country's oil needs
for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this
decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there.
They care.
The estimate of economically recoverable oil from the Arctic refuge is 3.2-5.2 billion barrels. That's about six months of oil for the US. (Thanks to my dad for this debunking — and a number of others.)
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in
English, thank a soldier.
Thank a British soldier from the 17th or 18th Century, specifically, because the only serious threat to the continental US — other than English-speaking Great Britain — was pre-Revolutionary colonial powers such as France and Spain.
This e-mail is well written — it's tight, tough, zesty and satisfying. Undoubtedly, it's going to travel far. If not for the implicit and explicit lies, omissions and faulty assumptions, it'd certainly transcend its brethren and rank right up there with cable TV.
No such luck.
E-mail James Norton at jim@flakmag.com.
— graphic by Derek Evernden (derek@ocellus.net)
