Weekly Shredder 20:
The Bush Victory Speech
by James Norton

Head. Throbbing. Magic Hat #9 only slightly reducing pain. Supreme Court now awaiting ultraconservative supermajority. Senator Crapo. Right-wing relatives preparing to gloat. Civil rights fading. Last meal: double handful of chocolate-chip coffee cake on funereal tour bus returning from Kerry HQ in Boston to New York.

What a hammering, tidal, overwhelming election hangover. The good news for opponents of the Bush administration can be tallied up on part of one hand: Ken Salazar of Colorado in the Senate. A (hyperconservative) Democrat has taken the statehouse in Montana. Wisconsin is still in the blue column. Tom Daschle, the second-least effective Democratic leader after Lyndon LaRouche, is out of office.

Only a bitter bastard would go after Bush and friends during our period of "national unity," but there's a lot to be bitter about right now. First and foremost is the fact that there was a wickedly effective image game being played during this election, and the Republicans won by building a fortress of big lies with such energy and ambition that the media just couldn't — or wouldn't — blow down the house of cards.

For archives, audio, and background about the column, click here.

Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., ran for office largely by presenting people with the facts. Iraq was the wrong war, fought the wrong way. We haven't done enough to rebuild Afghanistan. The Bush tax cuts ran up huge deficits for the benefit of the very richest. We've lost jobs all over the place. The underfunded No Child Left Behind is leaving lots of lower income children in exactly that position.

President Bush built a paradise out of words, and defended it. His advisors defended it. His whole cabinet defended it, pouring soundbytes and targeted TV commercials — the modern equivalent of boiling oil — onto the heads of skeptics.

Compared to reality, Castle Bushenstein had far fewer gray areas and fewer patches of shadow. It had more clear images and more sunny spots. Those within the comfortable confines of Castle Bushenstein are confident that we went to Iraq to fight terrorists (who maybe, wink wink, had ties to Al Qaeda and access to WMD that are now buried in Syria). It's a reality where our economy is on the mend because of even-handed tax cuts that boosted the middle class, and where Medicare and Social Security have been "strengthened," and "protected" not "sold out to drug and insurance companies" and "prepped for privatization," respectively. It's a reality where Kerry's "global test" means that France's interests would come before the defense of American lives, and Kerry's war record is actually a catalog of shame.

So, in the spirit of storming the castle, the Shredder — which has no plans to retire despite the end of the campaign season — casts its withering gaze upon the frilliest of political desserts: the presidential victory speech.

Thank you all. Thank you all for coming. We had a long night, and a great night. The voters turned out in record numbers and delivered an historic victory.

Fair enough. As tempting as it is to blame Diebold — and, lands-a-goshen, it's tempting — the sheer volume of the popular vote and the instability of the initial exit polls suggest that the election basically went as well as it could have.

With that trust comes a duty to serve all Americans, and I will do my best to fulfil that duty every day as your president.

But... but... you've had four years to do that, and here's who has benefitted the most from your policies:

The wealthiest of the wealthy.

Neoconservatives.

Halliburton.

The energy, insurance and pharmaceutical industries.

The Carlyle Group.

Religious hardliners.

What is that... 20 percent of the American electorate? Thirty? Is there any reason to think it's going to be different this time around?

There's an old saying, "Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers, pray for powers equal to your tasks."

Of course, if Bush had done the former, he would now be a very gregarious, happy, and well-connected Commissioner of Major League Baseball. If he'd done the latter, he'd be John McCain.

Because we have done the hard work, we are entering a season of hope. We will continue our economic progress.

The "progress" that he speaks of is the slow process of digging out of a more than 500,000-job deficit. The Bush administration typically blames the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, but those attacks have been linked by Bureau of Labor Statistics to a loss of a fewer than 150,000 jobs — not the 1 million that are so often mentioned.

We will reform our outdated tax code.

Bush has already had a solid whack at this. The tax code is now more complicated. It's more slanted toward the wealthiest of the wealthy. In short: The public coffers have been drained into the hands of those known to be least likely to spend in a way to stimulate either jobs or sales by businesses, while tax time is made even more boring and soul-numbing.

We will help the emerging democracies of Iraq and Afghanistan so they can grow in strength and defend their freedom, and then our servicemen and women will come home with the honor they have earned.

This is a great idea. How about this for a way to make the job even simpler: We go back in time, and not even invade Iraq.

Just think of all the lives saved, and all the honor our troops could have won by capturing Bin Laden in Afghanistan while truly cleaning up and restoring that sorry, battered country.

Or how about going back in time to when the CIA and other outside experts were giving cautionary advice about how to handle the occupation, and actually listening?

Wanted: One time machine. Will offer up to $87 billion, depending on the condition of the Delorean.

With good allies at our side, we will fight this war on terror with every resource of our national power so our children can live in freedom and in peace.

Uh... about those allies...? Hungary just left. Yes, and Poland's on its way out, too.

On the open plains of Texas, I first learned the character of our country; sturdy and honest, and as hopeful as the break of day.

Another thing that could be learned on the open plains of Texas: The Darwinian stuggle for life that makes the victor king, and the loser roadkill.

God bless you. And may God bless America.

And may God smite our leaders with clarifying blasts of pure light that cut through the cobwebs in their minds, revealing unto them the Real World, which consists of facts and figures, long-term planning, and an enlightened self-interest in serving the greater good.

Or splitting headaches several times worse than mine. Either or both.

Amen.

E-mail James Norton at jim@flakmag.com.

— graphic by Derek Evernden (derek@ocellus.net)