Weekly Shredder 4:
July 30 White House Press Gaggle
by James Norton

It's hard not to love Scott McClellan. His job is not to spread information, per se. And it's not to inform the American people about the doings of the executive branch.

Instead, he has been charged with painting a picture of modern America that's so positive as to defy any and all possible criticism, sometimes in complete defiance of facts on the public record.

In short, McClellan closely resembles lovable buffoon Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf, whose denial of US Army advances in Iraq went from defiant to delusional and on to comically surreal.

Q: "Muhammed, what were those noises coming from downtown Baghdad 10 minutes ago? They sounded like M1A1-Abrams tank shells.

SCOTT McCLELLAN: Well, I don't want to pre-empt our Budget Director.

Not to hit a man when he's vulnerable, but here's our man Scott, at it again.

For archives, audio, and background about the column, click here.

McCLELLAN: All right, let me go over the schedule first, and then I'll be happy to take your questions. En route, the president had his intelligence briefing. He also — the president also called President Hu of China. This was a follow up to Dr. Rice's recent trip there. The president reaffirmed our One China policy, based on the three communiques and the Taiwan Relations Act. The president made clear that our cross strait policy remains the same.

"The same" meaning "the same as before President Bush's hilarious 2001 gaffe wherein he declared that the US would defend Taiwan" and the same after that gaffe was undone by patient diplomatic fix-uppery. Not "the same" meaning "the same as when Bush's careless talk almost completely disrupted US-Sino relations.

Anyway, let's get down to the red meat. What's the president's schedule looking like?

McCLELLAN: Today kicks off the president's "Heart and Soul of America" tour. The president will deliver a new stump speech that focuses on his optimistic vision for moving America forward. The president will begin outlining in more detail his agenda for helping families and workers succeed in a changing economy. He will talk about the importance of building an ownership society.

Three parts to this that warrant discussion.

The first is the immensely, painfully broad theme of having an optimistic vision for moving America forward. Could this — in any way possible — be more vacant of real meaning?

In President Bush's defense, however, this is almost identically broad to the Kerry campaign's forward-looking vision for moving America toward an optimistic future.

The second part is "helping families and workers succeed in a changing economy."

Which familes are the administration helping to succeed? If you look at the tax cuts it pushed for, it's the top 1 percent of families, a k a "the plutocracy."

How is the economy changing? The federal government is racking up huge deficits as it bleeds money to its wealthiest citizens while cutting services to veterans.

The third is "building an ownership society." Does anyone reading this know what that means?

Internet research reveals that "building an ownership society" means "clear-cutting the social safety net and abandoning the poor and middle class to their own devices."

McClellan then says "optimistic vision" seven or eight more times before someone interupts to ask about Bush's response to Kerry's speech at the DNC.

McCLELLAN: Well, one, he didn't see the speech. He read some of the coverage of it this morning.

Whaaaaa-aaat? Which of these logical suppositions is not like the others?

A) Our president is well-informed and intellectually aggressive.

B) He recognizes that the coming election is an historical turning point for America.

C) He did not bother to watch and think about his opponent's major public address of the campaign season.

But surely he has a good explanation for why he didn't catch Senator Kerry's oratory.

Please, somebody ask this. Ask it.

Q: Why didn't the President watch last night?

Thank you. Thank you for doing your job.

McCLELLAN: Well, he — he went to sleep last night. That was a late speech, obviously, but he did read some of the coverage of it this morning.

On one hand, it's a good sign that Bush is at least reading newspapers these days. On the other hand... he missed the signal rhetorical event of the DNC because he was sleepy?

Sure, conventions don't mean what they used to. But anyone deeply interested in US politics should have seen Barack Obama speak. They should have seen Bill Clinton speak. And they should have seen John "The Democratic Nominee" Kerry give his acceptance speech.

Suddenly, though, seemingly assisted by the FOX news shill planted in the audience, the questioning turns back to the heart of this election: Whose agenda presents the most optimistic vision for a new America?

Q: Is this now a race, though, to who can present the most optimistic agenda? That seems to be what the president is doing this month. Kerry certainly —

McCLELLAN: And I think that you're seeing that he is running as fast and as far as he can from that record.

Thus, this text from Kerry's speech:

"I ask you to judge me by my record: As a young prosecutor, I fought for victim's rights and made prosecuting violence against women a priority. When I came to the Senate, I broke with many in my own party to vote for a balanced budget, because I thought it was the right thing to do. I fought to put 100,000 cops on the street.

"And then I reached across the aisle to work with John McCain, to find the truth about our POWs and missing in action, and to finally make peace with Vietnam."

Kerry leaves out his five medals for his service in Vietnam, the blockbusting work he did bringing down BCCI (known as the "Bank of Crooks and Criminals International") and his efforts to clear up the Iran-contra affair.

After an interlude about the president's straight-shooting approach to vexing problems, a reporter does something really rude: She (or he) asks about the deficit.

Q: Scott, can you talk about the budget deficit? Are those numbers going to come out today? And what are they going to say?

McCLELLAN: Well, I don't want to pre-empt our budget director. I believe it's at noon, or sometime around there, that OMB will be having a press availability with Director Bolten and he will talk more about that. [I'M DODGING THIS. THIS IS NOT SOMETHING I WANT TO CONFRONT DIRECTLY.]

But I think that you will see that we are continuing to make progress to meet the president's commitment to cutting the deficit in half over the next five years. [MAKING PROGRESS! HEH! YOU CAN'T QUANTIFY THAT! IT COULD MEAN... LOTS OF STUFF.]

We are — through the priorities that the president has outlined, we are — we are meeting our nation's priorities and by holding — or showing spending restraint elsewhere in the budget, we are on track to meet the president's commitment to cut the deficit in half. [SURE, IT'S A RECORD DEFICIT... BUT IT'S A MUCH SMALLER RECORD DEFICIT THAN SOME PEOPLE PREDICTED!]

The economy has shown continued strength because of the actions that this president has taken. [GRANTED: THESE ARE POSSIBLY IMAGINARY ACTIONS THAT I WILL ALLUDE TO WITHOUT ACTUALLY DESCRIBING.]

And I think the OMB director will talk about how the revenues that are coming in are higher than expected. But I'll leave it to him to talk more about that later today. [EAT IT, BOLTEN!]

At this point, McClellan is extremely grateful to shuffle into a vague and incredibly shadowy discussion of intelligence reforms and the 9/11 commission.

Then, the presser ends with a review of the president's upcoming weekly schedule, and an incredible journalistic bombshell that could tear the government apart:

Q: Saturday and Sunday is the family event at Kennebunkport? Closed?

Q: Thanks.

No. Thank you, Unknown Journalist. And thank God for the free press.

— graphic by Derek Evernden (derek@ocellus.net)