Making Food Fun
by Patrick Quirk

I recently spent a weekend with my 2 ½-year-old nephew. At that age, most of a child's meals contain at least one fun item. It could be fish sticks in the shape of fish, snowmen in their mac 'n' cheese or candy sprinkles in their Jell-O.

And it dawned on me, sitting there, watching him tear into his spaceship-shaped cereal, that as we age, food with flair is slowly taken from us. I remember when I learned that pistachios are not actually red; what a disappointment. We go from a party on our plates to having only fruit roll-ups and Lucky Charms. But even these items eventually disappear from most adult pantries.

In this day of genetically manipulated food, mass marketing and cargo shorts, why isn't there more whimsy on adult plates? Yes, there are some mavericks out there fighting the whimsical fight. The Japanese, for example, are growing square watermelons. You can buy blue, green or purple ketchup at most grocery stores, and with a little effort we can enjoy Octopus-shaped hot dogs. These efforts are laudable, but we can do more. Much, much more. Americans have the science, the egos and the cash to make this happen.

There is a lot of debate in this country and elsewhere about genetically engineered food. The issues are very complicated and require scientific understanding which I do not have. But regardless of the details, we live in a world in which we purposefully breed Chinese crested dogs and sphynx cats, two of the ugliest animals on the planet. In a world of hairless cats and White Zinfandel, can we really spend time worrying about molecular biology, enzymes and proteins?

Take the potato: There is no vegetable more boring. Occasionally, I'd like to eat a potato-shaped like Idaho and I don't think I'm asking too much. Potatoes also tend to look dirty, even when washed. They would look so much better polished up a bit, given a nice semi-gloss skin. Similarly, corn on the cob is great. But if the kernels looked like Skittles, I'd enjoy it more. And cross-breeding animals opens the door to so many exciting possibilities. Cross a crab with a pig, and we'd all be eating crab loin: delicious and user friendly.

Marketing opportunities abound. Lima beans may not the most popular bean around, for example. But what if they were mutated to look like the Republican elephant and Democratic donkey? During the presidential election, Green Giant could have a lima bean poll: Which sells more, Republican or Democratic limas? There could be a lima bean for every holiday: hearts for Valentine's Day, shamrocks for St. Patrick's Day and turkeys for Thanksgiving.

During football season, NFL fans should be able to get a pizza shaped for their home town team. Imagine the possibilities: lighting-bolt pizza in San Diego, arrowhead pizza in Kansas City and racist pizza in Washington. Waffles should be served with a paper thin sheet of butter the same shape and size of the waffle itself so every indentation gets filled.

Making food fun again doesn't have to be done through genetics alone. All it requires is a little creativity. The McNugget comes in three boring shapes. The best McDonald's — who has given us Grimace for God's sake — can do is three nameless, uninspired nugget shapes. Unforgivable. And easily correctable.

Critics of these ideas will argue that fun food will lead to overeating. They will argue that Pitt-Aniston Happy Couple Cheetos will result in people eating more Cheetos instead of healthier foods. But if we can manipulate food to be more fun, we can also manipulate it to be less fun. If someone is dieting, they wouldn't have to buy the tie-dyed butter, they could buy the vomit butter. Forget South Beach, get on the Ugly Food Diet! There'd be a lot less fatty salad dressing eaten in this world if it looked like phlegm.

As we reach adulthood, everything gets so serious. Serious issues, serious clothes, serious food. We're told that we're only as young as we feel. I'd feel a lot younger if my dinner made me laugh.

E-mail Patrick Quirk at quirkmail@yahoo.com.