Thanksgiving With the Girlfriend

Cardboard turkeys, electric pilgrims and overflowing airports are not the sole rituals of Thanksgiving. Along with the annual feast comes family. Parents, sisters, brothers and cousins gather around the bird to give thanks. In this glow of good humor, what better opportunity do you have to cross that age-old threshold and introduce your girlfriend to your family?

It will be great. Uncle Tom will be there and he'll get to share his jokes and recent musings on the world, such gems of wisdom as, "I'm no fool, I know girls aren't just bubblegum and menstrual pads." Your sisters will have a chance to break out the photo album and show off that time you insisted on joining your parents' dinner party wearing the four-year-old's equivalent of black tie — Popeye tighty-whiteys and cowboy boots. Think of all the fun your little brother will have recounting all the ways he knows how to skin a deer. And all the while, you will get a chance to enjoy the piercing stare of judgment coming from your parents.

Sound entertaining?

Puzzling it through, why would you decide to take your girlfriend home for Thanksgiving? What possible rationalization could you have?

Rationalization: I do not want to be separated from my snooky-wooky.

Counter: Breaking this kind of dependency might not be such a bad idea. Besides, if you call your girlfriend snooky-wooky you probably don't really like her that much anyway.

R: It is what someone my age does.

C: Are you insane? If you keep up with that kind of thinking by the time you are in your 60s you will be asking your doctor to give you prostate cancer.

R: Eventually I will have to go through this. I consider this a test run to work out the big problems for when I want to introduce The One.

C: See previous counter.

R: It is a way of taking the relationship to the next step.

C: If your idea of taking it to the next step is introducing severe trauma to the relationship, save the price of the plane ticket and just lop off her arm. I guarantee she will thank you for it.

Or worse...

R: I want to marry her.

C: There is no reason you have to introduce your future wife to your parents. Elope. Vegas was built for a reason. What more treasured gift could you give to your future wife than removing the burden of in-laws?

R: With the woman I am dating, I consider taking my girlfriend home an act of revenge against my parents.

C: This is not the most effective revenge. You might try telling your parents the truth about your life — you are not actually a student at Harvard; you were fired from the local Krispy Kreme for being intimate with the donut batter.

R: I am addicted to sex.

C: Good reason.

Thanksgiving is about tryptophan-induced comas, not romantic milestones. Enjoy the stuffing and mashed potatoes. Watch a football game. Deal with your family without the added stress and have your girlfriend meet your parents when God intends them to meet — after she gets pregnant.

— Jonathan Kaplan (kaplanjonathan@hotmail.com)