Sea-Monkeys as Pets

The best part about owning Amazing Sea-Monkeys is the simple, easy pleasure of creating life. You get to play God. You watch, excitedly, as a clear tank fills with just-visible dots. Then the dots begin to grow. They grow eyes, and tails. They're little miracles. And then...and then....

That's it. The Monkeys don't grow much beyond tiny translucent entities. And technically, you aren't creating life, but reconstituting something that has already lived: Sea-Monkeys are brine shrimp eggs, and when water is added, they hatch and swim about in their cute little tank. Sea-Monkey owners, however, can feel content looking down upon fish-owners who purchase brine shrimp as fish-food, as the Sea-Monkey-suppliers (a company called Educational Insights) assure you that these babies are special hybrids called "Artemia nyos," designed to live longer and better than ordinary brine shrimp.

	FLAK AUDIO To download an MP3 podcast of this story click here.

The monkeys, dreamed up by a man named Harold von Braunhut in 1957 — about a decade before "The Monkees" were dreamed up by the music industry — have for years been sold alongside other quaint products via badly drawn ads in comic books. In this complicated day and age of the Internet and Playstations, Sea-Monkeys are a comforting reminder of the quieter, slower days of pet ownership.

For instance, does anyone actually own a goldfish anymore? These days, it's all ferrets, pythons and snakefish. Sea-Monkeys, by contrast, lead very uncomplicated lives, and their tiny-brained simple ways of being should serve as a lesson to us all: Take it easy! Their life isn't about the rush-rush of modernity, the stress of choosing the right senior diet, the right dog beach, the right kennel. Couldn't we all take a leisurely mental "swim" in our own "tanks"?

On a 10-point scale of "simplicity to raise and own," Sea Monkeys receive a 10: Essentially, you purify water, add the eggs and feed the monkeys (when you remember). Other pets require exercise, food, veterinarians and the occasional psychiatrist. Sea-Monkeys even have the goldfish — who rates about an 8.5 — beaten in terms of laid-back-ness.

Reader Email "I remember buying sea monkeys..." More ›

Admittedly, the monkeys also rank high on the scale of "similarity to spermatozoa." This makes the pets disconcerting, despite their many positives: Their hurried swimming and faceless bodies simply are a bit too similar to old sex-education movies (take a look at In the Beginning" (1935) or others to get an idea) to really conjure up any warm and fuzzy affection.

One clear benefit of owning a pre-packaged pet is the large number of joyfully named accessories you can find for it (and which Educational Insights is eager to provide). These include the Magic Castle, the Ocean Zoo, the Search for Pirate Gold and the Sea-Monkey Space Shuttle Exposition. It would be entertaining to see even more Sea-Monkey paraphernalia, such as Sea-Monkey carrying cases by Coach or official Sea-Monkey water made by Evian, for discriminating pet owners who want their Sea-Monkeys to be not just Amazing, but fabulous, as well.

And what other pet has its own official Website? While there are a million sources for owners of dogs, cats, koi, and Vietnamese potbellied pigs, the Sea-Monkeys have the advantage of having one single comprehensive, entertaining, and bizarre site to tell you everything you know — which, when it comes down to it, isn't that much. Often, Sea-Monkeys.com is more entertaining than the creatures themselves. Its FAQ section offers such juicy tidbits as:

How long does mating take? Sometimes you may see your Sea-Monkeys attached for several weeks, so try to give them some privacy.

Do Sea-Monkeys get hurt while mating? Not usually, although sometimes things can get pretty rough.

I heard that I can feed them yeast instead of Growth Food, is this true? Only if you really want all of your Sea-Monkeys to die.

What is the thread-like tail coming out of my Sea-Monkey? Um well. It's Sea-Monkey excrement.

One negative about these aquatic creatures: Sea-Monkeys have a low alcohol tolerance. I learned this the hard way when I woke up one Sunday morning to find the tank oddly clear. My roommate, performing a rather unscientific experiment with a group of friends, had decided to see what would happen when they poured a shot of vodka into their tank. My only real regret is missing the magnificent dancing, aerobics and frantic mating that must have ensued with before those drunken brine shrimp succumbed to alcohol poisoning.

Happily, Sea-Monkeys don't seem to mind a cruel master. This is the crucial advantage they have over other pets. Hate your Sea-Monkeys? Are they grossing you out? Do their "tricks" look like little more than senseless mating? Did you "accidentally" let all the water evaporate? Don't worry. Add water again and voila, they're alive...they're ALIVE! And really boring.