Terror Brands

Terrorists have a problem. Aside from their being reprehensible cowards who treat innocent human lives like pieces in a delusional, bloody board game, they're also terrible at marketing.

In addition to inspiring fear, a key aim of terrorist groups is to put their name and their cause in the minds of the world. To that end, they'd do well to pay more attention to branding. Take the Tamil Tigers, for example. This Sri Lankan organization is ingenious, not because of its political agenda or its methods, but because it has a mascot, the tiger.

Sure, the Irish Republican Army is an army and the Red Brigade is a brigade, but such designations have little panache. The Irish Republican Rattlesnakes — now that sings. Sure, St. Patrick drove the snakes from Ireland, but there are no lions in Detroit, and no one complains about that.

Similarly, the Tupac Amaru should become the Tupac Amaru Owls. Let's say you open up the newspaper and there are two headlines:

Rumsfeld Says U.S. Making Progress in War on Terror

Owls Disrupt Election

Which article are you going to read first? The one about the owls, of course; even Donald Rumsfeld would read that one first. How can owls disrupt an election, you wonder. Did a flock of owls attack a voting precinct? Is there a picture? Once you discover that real owls weren't involved, you might stop reading. But you've been reminded of the terror group, and that's what matters: name recognition.

Palestinian groups, in particular, need a complete overhaul. On the list of foreign terrorist organizations, or FTOs, maintained by the US State Department are the following groups with Palestine in their title: The Palestine Islamic Jihad, Palestine Liberation Front, Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine and the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine — General Command. Now, you don't have to work at Saatchi & Saatchi to know that's just pathetic branding. How are you going to make a name for yourself in the marketplace of terror when no one can tell you apart from the competition? And what kind of buzz can you expect when all you do is append "General Command" to the name of the group you just splintered from? If they had mascots, though, everything would change. They could be the Palestinian Bears, the Palestinian Dervishes or just the Avengers. Pretty much anything would be an improvement.

Adding a mascot or changing a name would be simple. It's not like there are business cards or stationery to deal with. There would be no New Coke-style backlash. If you blow up a bus, no one is going to mock you for wanting to be known as the Pythons.

Some of the names on the State Department's FTO list aren't merely boring — they're just plain bad. Perhaps they sound better in their own cultural context, but if you're gonna shoot for the big time, you've got to go over well in America. That's right, Orange Volunteers of Northern Ireland. Orange may inspire some degree of fear over in the United Kingdom, but here in America orange is a color for a tribe on "Survivor," not an organization bent on rebellion.

The Orly Group? I think I own some of their stock.

South Africa's People Against Gangsterism and Drugs may take the cake for worst possible revolutionary moniker. The people who are against gangsterism and drugs are called the police. Did they even try to come up with a better name? I'd like to see some of the possibilities they rejected — maybe "Concerned Parents of South Africa."

Of course, not every terrorist cell loses the name game. There do seem to be some who have an eye on marketing. A splinter group of the Irish Republican Army calls itself the Real IRA and is also known as the True IRA. This is a stroke of genius. "Today in Belfast, the Real IRA claimed responsibility for the burning of a police precinct …." Not only does the Real IRA get coveted exposure, but every time it does, it also gets in a dig at the original IRA. Good work, fellas.

Greece has the Revolutionary Nuclei. That's a good effort; you can easily imagine their logo on a football helmet.

Bucking the trend set by their colleagues in terror, one Palestinian group has dubbed themselves Force 17. You may not know the first thing about Force 17, but with a nom de guerre like that you can bet they are badasses.

But for the most part, the world's revolutionary groups are just not branding themselves in any … well, revolutionary ways. There are countless People, Fronts, Parties and Armies fighting for Liberation, Freedom, Revolution and God. If they want people in today's sophisticated media environment to pay attention to their cause, they're just going to have to spice things up.

A logo and a theme song wouldn't hurt either.

— Patrick Quirk (pquirk@gmail.com)