Funky Fries

It's official: We're running out of food ideas.

How else to explain the latest foodstuffs put together by mad scientists in their secret laboratories? First there was Gummi candy shaped like worms and dirt. Then there was garlic-flavored ketchup. The modern food industry's gone crazy, seemingly combining flavors and products at random. It would be informative to see some of the products that didn't make it to market. (Sour cream and onion Popsicles, anyone?)

Now come Ore-Ida Funky Fries, in flavors that include Kool Blue and Cocoa Crispers. Yes, in the former the fries are neon blue, and in the latter they're chocolate flavored. The former may be a mistake — when it came to food, the color blue used to mean "throw this away immediately."

Now it's a hip marketing tool. But how do you tell if Funky Fries are merely "Kool Blue" and not really funky, where "funky" is defined as "infested with mold?"

As for flavor, the Kool Blue variety taste just like regular french fries. Seems reasonable: if they actually tasted blue, well, that would freak everyone out.

The Cocoa Crispers, however, are another matter entirely. Think about french fries. Now think about mixing them with chocolate. Got that?

Exactly.

While you may be intrigued and surprised at first, you're soon looking for something (milk, perhaps?) with which to wash them down. Moreover, as they cook, it's easy to forget that you're making fries — the odor leads you to believe you'll soon be wolfing down some Toll House cookies

No such luck.

The Funky Fries site is a collaboration with Nick.com, which makes a certain sort of sense. The blue and chocolate fries tap into that 6-14 age bracket, much like neon-colored candy boogers, and the trademarked Nickelodeon Green Slime they dump on people's heads. Now kids can do the two things they like best, simultaneously: Eat junk food and gross out their parents.

And if you want to really freak people out, bake some Kool Blue fries and put them on a plate with some of the new Heinz Blastin' Green Ketchup. It's like dinner at Mr. Spock's house.

But Ore-Ida has missed their ideal target demography: stoners. Come on... french fries mixed with chocolate? That has "late-night munchie run" written all over it. One night, many years ago, a friend and I ate an entire loaf of Wonder Bread topped with sugar. If we'd had the choice between that and chocolate-covered potatoes, we would have chosen the latter. My advice is for Ore-Ida to set up booths outside of record stores and skateboard parks.

And as for the new Cinna-Stix flavor Funky Fries, well... we have to draw the line somewhere.

— Bob Sassone (bobsassone@yahoo.com)