Coca-Cola Blāk

On I-94 outside of Osseo, Wisconsin, a modified barn stands on a hill. It's called "The Loft," but those who know it well simply call it the "latte barn," as it sports big white letters on its exterior touting antiques and lattes. Barn-based antique shops are not an uncommon roadside attraction; barns vending decent lattes are a little more unusual.

The Loft does more than sell seasonal cheeses and high quality domestic microbrews. With its hard-core professional espresso machine, The Loft proudly upholds coffee standards. Order a cappucino, and the woman at the counter nervously informs you that it won't taste like a gas-station cappucino. Damn right it won't. It'll taste good. It will not taste like a blend of Robitussin and chocolate milk.

Coca-Cola's elite corps of flavor engineers could take a lesson from The Loft.

Their newest creation is named Blāk, which sounds less like a mass-market beverage than a secret last-ditch Nazi operation to liquidate potential turncoats even as Soviet tanks surge into Berlin. "Quickly, Mein Fuhrer! To the telegraph! We must initiate... Operation Blāk."

For better or worse, Blāk isn't a Nazi Party plot. It's malconceived beverage with immense marketing and distribution support.

Blāk comes in a bottle rendered opaque by a brown-red wraparound label that adeptly suggests both carbonation and slowly diffusing coffee flavor. The soda itself looks fine — a lot like traditional Coke, only a bit darker.

But instead of the snappy, grease-cutting pause that refreshes provided by classic Coca-Cola, Blāk instead offers a strangely flat, cloyingly sweet colaesque flavor chased by a Frappuccino-like aftertaste.

In short: all the subtle flavor of Pepsi blended with mass-market cappucino drinks.

Coke has been on the run in recent years, outflanked by the diverse Pepsi empire's adept introduction of low-sugar and low-carb versions of traditionally unhealthy snacks and beverages.

So where does Blāk fit into the ongoing Cola Cold War? A press release on Coke's website kind of gives you a sense of what they were going for with this monstrosity.

Coca-Cola Blāk is not just a flavor extension. It is a blend of unique Coke refreshment with the true essence of coffee and has a rich smooth texture and has a coffee-like froth when poured. We believe we have created a new category of soft drink — an adult product in a carbonated beverage — and a whole new drinking experience.

Had its unscrupulous author been on the level, the release might have read like this:

Coca-Cola Blāk is not just a flavor extension. It is a blend of rancid, off-brand cola with the true essence of gas-station cappucinos and has a flat, cloying texture and has a sticky flatness when poured. We believe we have created a new category of soft drink — a category that truly warrants the label "shit-tastic."

Once again, Coca-Cola has stepped up to the challenge of tampering with a classic soft-drink flavor. And once again, Coca-Cola's pants fell down to its ankles, exposing a fatty bare bottom and an embarassing series of Disney-themed tattoos.

Better luck next time.

— James Norton (jim@flakmag.com)