America Online: Gold
You get enough free America Online disks and CD-ROMs in the mail and, eventually, you get to the point where you ask yourself an obvious question:
Which, between the disk and the CD-ROM, would fly further if hurled off the roof toward the street?
My roommate and I took the implicit AOL challenge and stepped out onto the roof of our three story apartment building.
My roommate threw first. He chose the traditional 3.5" floppy, which, admittedly, didn't look like it would be much of a match for the gold-flecked discus that was the AOL Version 4.0 CD-ROM. Adopting a fine overhand AOL-chucking form, he lobbed it hard toward the street, managing to make the disk sail through the alley, over the street, and into a nearby parking garage. Impressive. Could any other online service match this performance?
Clearly, the small, shrink-wrapped floppy disc was a more formidable product than we'd initially anticipated. I stepped up, ready to throw the CD-ROM. Fearing wind shear or bad aim, I lined the shot up carefully: if this AOL product was to prove itself, it would need to clear the alley, sail over the street, and park itself further into the garage than the floppy already had.
I flung the golden discus. It sailed toward the street, like a heavenly shuriken. Suddenly, a big red sport utility vehicle appeared, and the disc collided with it in a manner that was made unclear by my frantic ducking to conceal myself. Amazingly, an occupant of the SUV was able to yell a clearly audible obscenity at the spot behind the roof where my roommate and I crouched. Is it possible that AOL products are so distinctive in their design that an occupant of the SUV was able to identify the CD-ROM in flight?
 |
 |
| Flew further. |
Funnier effect. |
While it initially seemed that the contrast between AOL's free products would be vast and visible, rigorous testing has proved that both certainly have their uses. Kudos, America Online, and we think that Flak Magazine speaks for America when we wish you the best of luck with your upcoming line of complimentary drink coasters.
— James Norton (jim@flakmag.com)
