The Cambridge 69 bus

The 69 bus runs on a regular schedule, in theory. It should arrive near my house at 7:12, 7:26, 7:40, 7:54 and so on. However, its actual (and unpublished) schedule is n+1 minute where n is the moment I pop out of my door, able to see the bus stop, but a good three-minute walk away from it.

It would be paranoid — or very flattering — to assume the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority has scheduled it like this on purpose. No major transportation network can run at n+1.

Yet, it seems to keep happening.

Running for it, of course, would only create a tragicomic incident. As much as it's nice to make people smile, there's a time and place for it. The time is not 7 in the morning. The place is not a bus stop on Cambridge Street.

The bus is doubly impressive when you consider the following: My schedule varies wildly. Sometimes I brush my teeth for an extra long time, or shower for a full 15 minutes or make a hesistant, floundering attempt at breakfast. Nonetheless, the 69 line hews to the plan: n+1.

It should be said that once in a rare while, some combination of luck or bloodyminded patience puts me on the bus. There have been days when a second, unexplainable 69 bus arrives at n+3, or when a substitute driver (no doubt confused by his cryptic instructions) screws up the schedule.

The bus goes from Harvard Square to Lechmere Station, rolling down Cambridge Street, which is perfect if you want to go to work. But despite its sexxxed up name, the 69 bus tends to contain the following types of passengers:

• blue-collar factory workers

• office workers heading to Government Center or Park Street

• crazy old Portuguese ladies muttering religious gibberish under their breath

It has never, to my knowledge, featured any of these types of passengers:

• busty blonde coeds on a spring break rampage

• Ukrainian sex workers on a wild American holiday

• crazy young Portuguese ladies wearing barely adequate bikinis and muttering religious gibberish under their breath

Maybe they all ride on the days I miss the bus. Regardless, it would all be a little much at 7 in the morning.

— James Norton (jim@flakmag.com)

— photo by Becca Dilley (becca@beccadilley.com)