MMSD Cracks Down on Halloween

By Matt Seigel and Dan Norton

In the wake of a violent and offensive 1993 Halloween in Madison, the Madison Metropolitan School District released a set of guidelines for future students to follow. School administration officials decided to act after observing disreputable behavior and attire displayed by several of the 24,000 district students on October 31. It all began when terrified parents phoned local police, expressing their growing distress over the wanton destruction of pumpkins and administering of flowered bathroom tissue to local trees by numerous youths. Minutes later, Nakoma residents complained of many young West students displaying vulgar and distasteful Halloween costumes on Nakoma road, heavily traveled by young, impressionable, uncorrupted gradeschoolers.

Some of the of the guidelmes are as follows:

– Masks shall not be tipped to the left or the right, as this may provoke gang violence.

– People dressed as black demons must refer to themselves as "demons of color".

– Slo-pokes are not part of the Halloween experience, as they are blatant phallic symbols and may offend.

– Devil, ghost or occult attire is discouraged due to its nature of promoting animal sacrifice, necro-bestiality, and general naughtiness.

– Students will not be allowed to dress as pixies or fairies, as it might offend people of varied sexual orientation.

– Males may not comment on the size of their candy sacks in the presence of females, as this might be interpreted as sexual harrassment.

Acceptable Halloween Treat Handouts: Toothbrushes, Cultural sensitivity pamphlets, Barney stickers, Spamwiches, Broccoli or derivetives thereof.

MMSD officials add that parents are discouarged from distributing condoms as treat handouts to youngsters, unless the condoms include accompanying literature praising the benefits of lifetime celibacy.