Top Ten Survival and Combat Tips to Future Seniors

10. Eatery trays deflect bullets.

9. Calling yourself in sick? The office CALLS BACK. Seriously. We know.

8. Guns don't kill people; "Foods, Foods, Foods" kills people.

7. Rent-A-Cops have feelings, too; try saying "Bite me, OFFICER" next time.

6. If José graduates, you could become the next "Crazy DJ."

5. Teach a freshman to flush/Flush a freshman (tie)

3. Everyone wins when you throw up on the corrected math tests.

2. If Libby had really intended for you to go to 8th hour, she would've installed beer taps in every homeroom.

1. Dick Falch before he dicks you.

Editor's note: Not a particularly good list, if only because we were uncharacteristically meanspirited. Dick Falch was the much disliked (by staffers, anyway) head coach at West. José was a guy who did the announcements over the PA in the morning, and he'd spent at least one extra year as a high school student. 9. is a reference to a time that I skipped a day of class by having my friend Kayt call me in sick, but the office recognized that her voice wasn't vaguely similar to my mom's. The worst part of getting caught was that the day itself was miserable – it was raining, and cold, and I'd skipped it alone. Future exploits would be much better thought-through.