David Koresh Really Was The Messiah!

Attorney General Reno apologizes to God, sacrifices Chelsea and Socks the Cat

Bill Clinton's recently formed Ethereal Studies League (E.S.L.) has led new studies that show that due to certain factors, David Koresh really was the second coming of Christ. We two, Joe Bear and Big Bob The Wiener Schnitzel, and E.S.L. and spent 3.7 trillion tax dollars in this research (namely stealing a Bible from a hotel room in Tahiti after 12 frozen alcoholic drinks.)

Revelations 1: 3 states that "Happy is the one who reads this book, and happy are those who listen to the words of the prophetic message and obey what is in this book! For the time is near when all these things will happen." For some reason, most of the people of the United States think that Dave and his buddies were and are insane. This excerpt proves that belief false, they're not insane, they're just really happy. The book also speaks of seven angels with seven trumpets. This can be directly related to the weapons we didn't get to see, but could supposedly bring destroy every tank we had. In essence, the seven trumpets could bring down "hail, mixed with blood", "something that looked like a mountain on fire," and "large stars."

Certainly enough to scare off donut-eating law enforcement officials. The seventh of the trumpets mentioned was supposed to call in a pregnant woman in labor, a dragon that wanted to eat the newborn baby, a beast that came from the sea and got all the powers of the dragon if it didn't eat the baby, and a beast that came from the land and kicked the dragon and the other beast around. Kinda lucky Dave didn't get a chance to use these! Revelations also refers to enormous crowds surrounding small groups of buildings and the burning of these buildings. To quote: "The people screamed as the fire began to lick its hungry tounges about ye low cost compounds. As the flimsy buildings collapsed in apolectic flame, few escaped, only to be prosecuted by ye pagan Judicial System. Reporters danced in pagan manners about the smouldering pit whilst pointing and drooling their un-ending babble... "

So, biblical proof seems to indicate that we have, apparently, taken the Son of God and sort of – fried him to a crisp. I think we might be in a spot of trouble. Attorney General Janet Reno, previously hailed for her "The Buck Stops Here" attitude, has taken the initiative of tying to head off the oncoming apocalypse by feeding the First Cat and the First Mousy-Looking Teenager to holy goats. "By taking this preemptive action, I hope we can prevent God from taking punitive action, such as sending hurricanes, earthquakes, Richard Simmons look-alikes into our country. Of course, we're assuming he's not going to go as far as insect plagues, since it WAS accidental. Really. If we hadn't have acted when we did, Koresh and his followers might have had time to construct a crude nuclear device and escape. Which reminds me, I really should do something about this swarm of locusts in my back yard. Joe Bear signing off.