The Phantom Menace: A Commentary
by Greedo

I've got a bone to pick with George Lucas. He and I had been friends for a long time, and when he was looking for actors to be in the original Star Wars, he came to me. "Sure," I said, "Why not? Anything for a friend." It's all been downhill since then. First, he told me that he had a great speaking part picked out for me and that I'd be involved in — and I quote — "a high-stakes gunfight." We all know how that turned out.

George felt a little bit guilty for killing me off after less than a minute of screen time, so he offered me another role in an upcoming project. "Sure," I said, "Why not? Anything for a job." (It had been a rough year. There's just not as much demand for Rodians in Hollywood as there once was.) I showed up at the set, still not sure what this project was. It was, of course, the Star Wars Holiday Special. And it was quickly obvious to me that my position in George's eyes had degraded. In Star Wars, my costar was Harrison Ford. In the Holiday Special, it was Bea Arthur.

Some twenty years later, George called me up. He apologized for not communicating with me (he said something about a multi-billion dollar empire or something...I wasn't paying much attention) and told me about something he called the Star Wars Special Edition. He mentioned that my scene had been "touched up;" my brain started chugging. I imagined me taking down that Han Solo jerk and overthrowing the Empire, joining Vader and ruling the galaxy as father and son (I have an active imagination). So I (along with the rest of the galaxy) bought my tickets to the Special Edition and eagerly awaited my scene. And then, I saw it. The most vile three seconds I've ever seen. I can't even discuss it now. I'm still bitter.

So when George called me up last summer and asked me to be in his new movie, The Phantom Menace, I reluctantly agreed. But when I saw the script, it was beautiful -- a real piece of art. I would reprise my role from the original Star Wars, only several years younger. It was to be a dramatic fight scene with Anakin following the pod race. At the end of my scene, I was to converse with a fellow Rodian in a delightful foreshadowing of my grisly fate at the hands of Solo. It was, as I said, beautiful. We shot the scene; I had my fight, said my lines. It was just like the old days.

May rolled around, and once again, I waited for my scene. There was only one problem, however: THE SCENE WAS CUT. Once again, George Lucas had screwed me over. So you want my review of The Phantom Menace? I wasn't in it, so it sucked. One minature Rodian does not a quality movie make. End of story.

— Chris Caruso (greedo at arches dot uga dot edu)