Power to the People

Two books ago, conservative commentator Laura Ingraham wrote Shut up and Sing!, in which she tells only liberals, mind you, like Barbra Streisand, Bono and Madeline Albright to "Shut up and sing!" No political views from you! Of course, put Arnold Schwarzenegger, Fred Thompson or even Ted Nugent on a Republican ticket, and they can't wait to vote and vote often. Anything to get the new Reagan!

In case you've never heard of her, Laura Ingraham is a talk radio host and author of no small influence. Her program, The Laura Ingraham Show, is broadcast on over 300 stations across the country, plus Sirius and XM Satellite Radio. Her first book, The Hillary Trap, was published in 2002. A former Reagan administration speech writer and law clerk to US Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, Ingraham got her undergraduate degree at Dartmouth College, where she wrote for The Dartmouth Review. Her anti-homosexual activism would later cause Dartmouth Review faculty advisor Jeffrey Hart to write in The Weekly Standard that Ingraham had "the most extreme anti-homosexual views imaginable." She later changed her views on homosexuals due to her brother being gay.

Ingraham's latest gem, Power to the People, isn't a whole lot more subtle. If you think Bill O'Reilly is "looking out for you," well, hold on to your hat. Because Laura Ingraham is holding you, cradling you back and forth like the childlike simpleton you must be and applying sweet, tender kisses to your forehead. For you need protection from those filthy academic types, criminal-loving judges, and that nasty ol' Hollywood.

Ingraham explains the title of her book by writing, "Years ago, I made an executive decision to take the phrase ‘Power to the People' away from those who never really meant it." Among these scoundrels she includes not only John "Imagine No Religion" Lennon, as she calls him (the nerve for even suggesting such a thing!), but those who once shouted for "Woman power!" and "Black power!" Really, Laura? Women's and Black rights activists meant this less than a high-falutin' white conservative who's eternally pissed off at "agenda-driven educrats, haughty life-tenured judges and executives in a polluted entertainment industry?" The Blacks with water hoses and German Shepherds aimed at them, I suppose, didn't have it nearly as bad in the '50s and '60s as your average 21st Century, church-going, Caucasian family who have to suffer through "due process" and Victoria's Secret catalogs arriving in the mail. Never mind the lynchings and years of slavery. Those whiny human rights activists! Or, as Ingraham calls them, "leftists with bullhorns."

To Ingraham, "Power to the People" means praising Jesus, America and our president seven periods a day at school, putting a bullet in the head of anyone accused of a crime, and having a media like her grandparents had. We'll take our television as bland as possible, please! Just protect us from the Communists!

That said, in chapter one Ingraham tells the tale of how she bravely confronted two women (no doubt a couple of bra-burning libs) on line at the movies, one of whom looked at the children surrounding Ingraham and had the gall to say, "Those kids can't be all hers."

And Laura got angry! And she fought back mightily and victoriously! But guess what? None of the kids were actually hers. Ole Barren Womb was just babysitting for the day and just had to snap at someone with balls enough to say: "Hey, do you live in a shoe?" when poor Laura can't even have children. Damn coupla-kid-having libbies!

Yes, the opening chapter of this treasure is dedicated to what Ingraham calls "anti-population growth wackos." Wackos, she calls them! For thinking maybe six to 20 children is overdoing it, and that, if you don't feel complete after three, you should probably kill yourself. This is how she begins her latest book Power to the People... to have as many damn children as they want! The liberals say have two and then sew up that naughty hole of yours, but Laura says if you can't fill all the boxes in the opening to The Brady Bunch, you're un-American!

You can skip the chapters about illegal immigration, terrorism and liberal judges (but, if you choose to read them, I won't spoil it by telling you Laura‘s stance on any of these issues), and go straight for the very entertaining Chapter Six, which opens with Ingraham using her book to bash her ex-fiance for leaving her when she got The Big C. Ingraham spins a tale about someone from The National Enquirer knocking on her door to ask how she feels about Katie Couric being with her ex. Laura, of course, tells him to beat it, then tips her Chemo wig and slams the door in his face.

"Was his mother proud?" Ingraham wonders. "If only reporters were as committed to covering the stories of our brave troops!"

And, when they do, you bitch about that too. Don't you, Laura? Because God forbid they bring up the death toll! It's as if they're rejoicing that so many soldiers are dead!

This touching chapter is titled, "Saving Our Pornified Culture," and includes an entire paragraph dedicated to Webster's definition of the word "culture," in case you didn't know. Here Laura complains about everything even vaguely sexual in the media, proving that she is indeed an 80-year-old man living in 1940. The Victoria's Secret catalog is too sexual. The Paris Hilton Jack-in-the-Box ad is too sexual. Pizza Hut's ad with Jessica Simpson? Too sexual. All sex should be hidden! Everything should be covered up!

You know who also wants this, Laura? The Muslims. Jeez, if Laura not only supports covering up women, but is against John Lennon's fantasy of no religion, she must be in support of the terrorists! She's pro-Muslim! Pro-Taliban! An enemy of this great country!

In between trying to get Ingraham imprisoned for treason, I will, however, give her two smiley faces for this same chapter. She does make a point about the Don Imus situation. The "just turn it off" argument that somewhat logical conservatives like Sean Hannity are for, but Ingraham is vehemently against, didn't seem to work with liberals in the case of Imus. This is indeed hypocrisy. Secondly, she also miraculously includes Fox News with the other awful media and their sexual programming. Bravo, Laura!

Then, after chastising Abercrombie and Fitch for their 2003 Christmas catalog that contained "barely dressed teens," she exclaims, "What an innovative way to commemorate the birth of the Baby Jesus!" She's just so Rod and Todd Flanders adorable!

Ingraham really goes off the deep end in Chapter Nine, the title of which cleverly paraphrases the '80s Thomas Dolby hit — "Blinding Us With Science."

She begins with stats on abortion she took from a pro-life Web site, including one that says 86 percent of Down Syndrome babies were aborted in 2003. (According to the Chicago Tribune, the stat is anywhere between 34 and 86 percent). She proceeds to then go after stem cell research. Ingraham wants all these babies born, but doesn't want stem cell research to maybe help the Down Syndrome babies out a little. And, let me tell you, conservative radio hosts and authors ALWAYS know more than scientists. Whether it's stem cells or climate change, the Ingrahams and Limbaughs have all the answers. Screw your "science!"

She also doesn't know the word "veritable," or what a metaphor is. In one section header, Ingraham quotes Sen. Arlen Spector (R-PA) — "If scientists are correct, stem cell research could result in a veritable fountain of youth by replacing diseased or damaged cells."

Well, Laura, the adorable thing, takes the fountain of youth reference literally. "Heck," she says, "they can even make us look younger." As if men and women will be rubbing their wrinkles with stem cells. Dab a little on your arm flab, Mildred. That's good. Oh, she is so 11-year-old girl on a pony cute! To further her point, Ingraham explains the concept. "Ponce de Leon, according to legend, gave his life in search of the fountain of youth. Why shouldn't we sacrifice our scruples and tax dollars?"

They're curing diseases, you sarcastic old twat! What would you like tax dollars to go to, Laura? Jesus fish?

"Yes," she writes (Beginning her next point. She was not answering me), "we all want longer, healthier lives, but at what cost?" Is she in a monster movie? No sooner did I ask myself this than she actually draws a comparison between stem cell research and The Island of Dr. Moreau and a Gregory Peck film about cloning Hitler. Maybe she is answering me. Wow!

Ingraham then tells her readers that there is "no miracle cure." Her message about stem cell research and diseases for people like Michael J. Fox, Christopher Reeve, even herself — give up hope! There's Jesus in them there stem cells!

And that's all I could stand of Laura Ingraham. By the way, page one of Power to the People and page one of Ann Coulter's latest book, If Liberals Had Brains... contain almost the exact same Nancy Pelosi "joke." LOL! Great minds think alike, I guess.