e
by Matt Beaumont
Plume

"Write what you know" is the advice well-meaning instructors give beginning writers, and most first-time novelists mine their own experiences for material. So it is with Matt Beaumont, former copywriter at several London advertising firms, whose first novel is set in a posh London advertising firm filled with grasping, obnoxious workers desperately chasing accounts and each other.

Beaumont's bio states that "in anticipation of the publication of 'e' in the United States and United Kingdom he is taking a break from corporate life." One might gather from this that he is lounging about his London apartment, giddily awaiting literary fame and rave reviews. This seems exceedingly optimistic, because "e," not to put it too mildly, is a terrible book. A novel so hideous, so deserving of pulping, that it's almost not worth trashing here. But then, how often does a published book offering such glaring examples of bad writing, bad characterization and bad execution really cross any critic's desk?

Set in a London firm called Miller Shanks, "e" details the travails of a group of ad executives and creatives as they pitch to clients, fend off lawsuits, backstab each other and fall into unfortunate romantic entanglements. Its hook — what supposedly makes this such an "exciting" work according to the publisher — is that the entire story is told through e-mails between characters.

Writers have always used devices like letters and news articles to tell stories and convey background information in novels with varying degrees of skill and success. "e" is one of the few books to use e-mail as a device so extensively. Give Beaumont credit for the idea, at least — e-mail, after all, has become a vital form of communication, replacing phone calls and reviving letter writing to an extent.

In e-mail, coworkers pass along quick notes about meeting times as well as rants on run-ins with bosses, friends send long notes about weekend happenings, and reading old e-mail — whether yours or someone else's — can be revealing. There's potential in the concept, but the device does not absolve the author of creating a compelling narrative or interesting characters, both of which "e" lacks.

The plot is minimal: as the ad agency works to craft a pitch for Coke, the pressure mounts to deliver a perfect presentation — which the reader might think is impossible, given the cast of characters Beaumont presents us with: David Crutton, the excessively angry and irrational CEO; Simon Horne, the drug-addled washed-up creative director; Pinki Fallon, the ultra-liberal idealist copywriter; and a host of lesser characters who make the up the agency's secretaries and artists.

Through it all, there are subplots about misdirected e-mail going to the CEO of the Miller Shanks Helsinki office who takes insults from Crutton goodnaturedly, a client assaulting Ivana Trump while on a shoot and a knock-down, drag-out fight between two receptionists. Oh, the wackiness!

This book could be a delightful skewering of corporate life and the advertising world, but Beaumont just doesn't carry it off. When he's trying, for instance, to establish how out of place Pinki's ideals are at the agency, he has her send an e-mail to the Creative Director that reads

"I find it hard to condone a product that cynically exploits girls at a vulnerable age and presents them with oppressive stereotypes ..."

and on and on. Why would such a character go into the advertising profession and stay at a firm as craven and grubbing as Miller Shanks? Beaumont never lets you know; everything Pinki writes sounds as though she's reciting straight from Ms. and The Nation. And that perhaps is the biggest weakness of the book — Beaumont never develops nuanced voices for any of his characters. Crutton is always angry, Horne is always doped up, and receptionists, well, they always sound like this:

From: Zoe Clarke - 1/4/00, 2:41 pm
To: Carla Browne
CC:
Re: fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck

In-fucking-credible!!!!!!! That two-faced, lying cow, Rachel, has only gone and offered me the Crettin job!!!!!!!! I mean, doesn't she know we're best friends in the world?!!! The thing is though, I think I've got to say yes. Before you go mad, I don't want to, but I really don't have a choice! It is 5k more and I've got a massive Master Card bill and my gas is about to be cut off!!!! And you really, really didn't want it did you?!!!!!! Oh, God, what am I gonna do?!!!!!!!! Zxxx

"e" is typical of so many gimmick books that sneak through the publishing process while more conventional (and better!) manuscripts languish in acquisition editors' slush piles. The conceit of "e" is that an idea (storytelling through e-mail) is enough to carry an entire novel, relegating more traditional concerns — like the quality of writing — to the background. What "e" ends up proving, though, is that no matter how clever a premise is, it can't make up for trite writing or a dull story. Beaumont, thrilled no doubt by the publication of his first novel, perhaps already thinking about writing his second, should return quickly to the corporate world from which he's taking a break.

— Jessica Chapel (jnc at flakmag dot com)